Thanksgiving Feast

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Feast!

I hosted and I made a Turkey and 2 Turkey breasts. Green beans, corn, rolls, sour cream & chive mash potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, cranberry stuffing, apple cranberry crunch pies, and a triple layer pumpkin pie. I also had cheese & crackers, snack sausages, chocolate raisins & peanuts, chocolate covered pretzels, veggie tray, olives & pickles, a bunch of cookies, apples & pumpkin dip, and peanuts & cashews.

We had 7 adults and 12 kids. We ate very well.

I am still assessing my Thanksgiving. Part of me really missed gorging on all of the good food, but with what I did eat today, I don't feel deprived at all!

I had my protein shake in the morning to get my tummy going. But I think a little m/s crept in so I felt a little yucky for a while. Although it could have been because I got up too early in my book to cook.

I drank my water for most of the day and snacked on some cheese and a cracker or two with a sausage and I had my favorite sugar cookie too.

Later while cooking I tasted some mashed potatoes a couple times because they were SOOOO GOOOD!

Dinner time I had one turkey slice, a spoonful of corn, a spoonful of green beans, a bit of sweet potatoes, a good sized portion of mashed potatoes, some stuffing and my awesome cranberry sauce. I ate everything I wanted to. I didn't want a roll because I knew it would stuff me and I wanted better stuff. Plus the night before I had 2 rolls at different times but the later roll made me puke so I wasn't as interested today.

I even induglged a bit and drank some cranberry soda. Well I sipped at it and it was watered down by the melting ice.

I ate slowly and while it felt weird to be watched and be asked questions (first post-WLS Thanksgiving so it's just as new to everyone else, my new eating habits) but thankfully my grandmother is a super slow eater. Even with as slow as I eat I still beat her, LOL Everyone else had seconds and had even moved on to pies before I was done.

Quite a bit later my tummy was digested enough I decided to have some of my triple layer pumpkin pie. It's not as heavy as the regular pupkin custard type pies. It's from Jell-O. They carry a Pumpkin Spice pudding mix and it came with this pie recipe that I wanted to try. It was so delicious and easy and I loved that it tasted like pumpkin pie and wasn't as heavy as pumpkin pie.

2 hours later I was hungry so I had some mashed potatoes and another slice of turkey. Now I am sitting here eating my one slice of apple cranberry crunch pie with a little bit of vanilla bean ice cream and cool whip. Of course I've been sharing it with some kids who come in from time to time, LOL

So part of me is very satisfied with having been able to eat everything I wanted to and I am satisfied with not feeling deprived. But there is still a small part of me that wishes I could have had my normal stomach so I could have "over eated" just for this ONE day.

Oh well. I wouldn't trade my weight loss surgery for anything!

I also got a bonus when my sister brought me some of her "big" clothes and I fit into most of them. All of the shirts I fit into and I even fit well into one of the 16's she brought me. The other one's I probably won't get to wear for a LONG time now. I asked her for some "special" clothes which she has and hopefully I'll be able to fit into them well enough to not have to get any for later.

I hate being broke!

{{{SIGH}}}

We went out today to JoAnns and there is a Target there and Dh wanted to go and I wanted to go to try on clothes. That's my new thing, actually going and trying on clothes.

This time I spotted a "little" black dress and while it wasn't my "ideal" type of dress I thought "WTH?! Why not!" and OMGosh I LOVED it! I looked fabulous in it too!

I really loved it for the fact that it had a built in slim wear / shape wear. It really helped control all of my excess skin and I was surprised I looked so freakin' good in it. I still needed my control top shape wear for my "apron" but I still looked damn HOT in it!

I seriously do not usually go for skin tight clothes and I was seriously amazed by how comfortable and good I looked in this dress!

Only problem was the $30 price tag. {{{SIGH}}} We just can not afford that right now. Christmas and Thanksgiving comes first right now.

Not being able to get that dress depressed me, surprisingly. I didn't think I'd feel so depressed about not getting an article of clothing like I did today.

I only wish I had a camera so I could have taken a picture of myself in the dress. Maybe I can convince Dh to do this tomorrow, LOL

Any ways. I just had to blog about this. That is all!

Seems Like it's Been Forever

and yet it's only been a couple days.

I swear the scale hates me some days.

Like last night for instance. Towards the end of the night I weighed in at 211 even again. Great, surely by the AM I will be below 211, right?!

But right before bed I weighed myself again and the scale read 211.8 ARGH!! The AM scale reading was 211.4. {{sigh}} Granted it's only been a few short days but I feel like I am in a stall, even though I probably am not in one. I's just really love to se 210 point anything at this point. Maybe it's a numberalogical thing for me, but 210.8 just seems so much closer to 199.8 to me. And with Thanksgiving just 2 weeks away, and I wanting to get as close to 199.8 as possible before T-day, every little loss counts, right. HELL, every DAY counts too!

I KNOW constant weighing will be more stressful and inaccurate, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am a chronic scale whore. Several times a day I will weigh myself. I don't usually get stressed about it though, but when the scale fights back, like it did yesterday, it's frustrating. 211 at midnight and then 211.8 at 1:30am and not having ate anything but water, I seriously thought that by the AM I'd lose the water weight and be 210.8 in the AM at the least. Damn scale, fucking with my mind like this is not nice!

This week's goal is to get to . . . 210 if not 209, but at least 210 (even). I was hoping for a weight of 204-206 by Thanksgiving, if I can't have my 199.8, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

There are 51 days until New year's Day, and if I struggle this holiday season and don't lose the 12 pounds I need to by New Year's Day, then i will be really disappointed in myself. I can certainly do 12 pounds in 51 days, right?!

It took six months, but FINALLY!

OMG this simple little piece of mail really made my day!

I normally never like bills but this one seriously made my day!

There were some complications that arose from my insurance, with the lapse and the COBRA payments and the policy changes, etc etc etc, but the surgery was still scheduled and if they were going to let me have the surgery based on the insurance SAYING I was covered then I wasn't going to stop them. I needed my VSG!

Still I was fairly confident that my surgery would be covered without problems. Until after my surgery and I started reading about how BCBS doesn't guarantee payments/coverage for the VSG, so I started to get nervous. Even more so when about a month passed and I got the surgery bill of over $52,000, and a letter saying I was denied coverage. I was depressed thinking about the amount of debt this would cause our family, and it made me a little more determined to make sure I worked my new sleeve since I wasn't sure if I would really have to pay all of it or not, yet.

Still I ignored the first bill and just focused on what I could change and decided that it just hadn't gone through all of the doors it needed to, to be covered. Still I had those nagging doubts that they'd find one reason or another to deny me coverage, like me not having a "real" 6mo diet history, or that my PCP merely checked my throat to diagnose "sleep apnea". So I let it go and forgot about it, but I still knew it was there in the back of my mind.

So today when I got a bill stating that my insurance company finally paid for the surgery, I was . . .was. . . it's indescribable! Ecstatic, delighted, over-joyed, elated! I was just as excited about that bill as I was about getting my surgery! I was jumping for joy and squealing with delight! I am only being billed for $250 for the surgery! I can't pay it all right this moment but I can swallow $250 for this miracle surgery than I can swallow nearly $53,000!!!

To say the happy dance wouldn't cover how happy I am is an understatement!

115 down 61 to go!

I have lost 115 lbs! I have 61 more lbs to go to reach my goal weight of 150lbs!

I hate that I have that extra 1 pound to lose too, LOL. Why couldn't my highest weight have been a "rounder" number like 325 instead of 326, LOL. It would have made counting down a little easier. LOL Of course then I'd need to lose 1 more pound to have lost 115 lbs. Okay so maybe this isn't too bad after all. ;)

I just can't believe how clost I am to my goal weight now. I can't even believe I am only 12 lbs away (well technically 11.2 lbs) from being below 200lbs! I abolutely can NOT remember the last time I was below 200 lbs. I believe it MIGHT have been freshman year in high school if not middle school.

I am now in sizes 16/18. Some 16's fit me well, while other's are too tight. It all depends on the makers as sizes aren't regulated. That's annoying because one 16 could be just as big as an 18. My 2 pairs of 18's I have are starting to get a little big though.

I have been able to buy a Liz Claiborn shirt in a MEDIUM! It fits perfectly too. I'm also in the size range where I can float between normal sizes and plus sizes. I can actually shop at some regular stores/departments (at least for shirts) for the first time. This past weekend I was going between the 2 departments in Target trying on shirts, sweaters and coats. It's really opened up a lot more options to me. I have discovered that I love shopping for clothes now. :)

If You Noticed

If you notice my ticker, then you'll notice that I indeed get down to 213.8 this morning. :D

I am pleased! Only 14.8lbs to go to get below 200!

Back on Track

This morning I was pleasantly greeted with a scale number of 214.2lbs. The day before I was shocked with a scale reading on 214.6. Shocked only because the day before I didn't do very well. I did have some mini candy bars and a mini bag of chips and some runts. Some cravings got the better of me. I don't even know where they came from but my suspicions are that AF must be near. She seems out of whack though so I don't know when she'll show back up. Remember last month she was a week late!

Any ways, the day before I was pleasantly greeted with that scale reading of 214.6 where as the day before that it was reading 215.8, and again I caved in and ate some junk food again. So on Tuesday when the scale fairies blessed me with a weight loss of 1.2lbs I figured I shouldn't try sabotaging my gift loss with more cravings.

This evening before I head off to bed, I am still pleasantly happy with the scale reading of 214.6. I am only hoping that during the night I drop .8 lbs so I can finally be below 214! I'd love to see a 213.8. I'd really LOVE it!

I did really well today too. Great protein intake and complex carbs with my broccoli (yummy). Water, water, water!

Friday is shopping day and I can not wait because I need more Atkins Shakes, but we just can not afford more right now, and I only have one left. I might be able to get DH to agree to one more package of it, but I don't know yet.

Stress is creeping in though with all of the holiday preparations. So much to get, make, prepare, and clean in a seemingly small amount of time.

SIGH!

I just hope the stress doesn't kill my progress and make me hang onto the weight. I'm really, really, really hoping to be down to at least 204, as my goal for Thanksgiving Day. Of course my ULTIMATE goal would be to weight 199 on Thanksgiving Day. I'm still not sure that I can sqeak out a 15 pound loss in a short 22 days from now. I am even wary of squeaking out a 10lb loss in 22 days. I guess will power and time will only tell at this point. :)

Halloween Confessions

I've been no carbing it for so long that i think when I had carbs and sugar on Halloween my fat cells just blew up a little, LOL.

In the AM on Oct 31 I was 214.

I made a healthy chili for dinner, as tradition. This year thankfully the candy monster was no longer in me, but I did reserve a Milky Way (full sized) for my enjoyment.

The night before, however, I had a full sized 3 Musketeer bar, figuring it was okay since it was lowest in calories and fat. But come on, it's a candy holiday!

Now while I didn't over indulge in the candy, I may have gone overboard with the carbs.

DH made some YUMMY corn bread to go with the chili. I couldn't believe I ate 2½ squares of the stuff. Later I had a bowl of popcorn with butter and seasonings, no low-fat or low sodium stuff. I also had a couple pieces from a Runts pack. Those are one of my favorite fruity/sweet candies but I only eat them maybe once a year and that of course is on Halloween.

I was pretty much so stuffed I couldn't eat a whole lot. I only ate half of my Milky Way and then gave the rest to DH, LOL

But on Sunday morning I weighed 216.8. Yeah I know I did it to myself, and it was a one day indulgence so I didn't think the scale would go down or stay the same, LOL But I feel like the animation, like I just blew myself up.

I'm fine though and today I started fresh and stayed away from all of the carbs. I had my Atkins shake, plenty of tuna, and some chicken today. I don't think the scale will magically drop the nearly 3lbs I added in one day, but certainly, one can hope, right?! LOL

Seriously though, I am hoping to be at 205-206 by Thanksgiving. Ideally I would LOVE to be 199 by T-day, but I don't think that is realistic anymore. I'm gonna aim for 196 by Christmas instead or at least by New Years Day.

The holiday trifecta is the worst for a fatty or even former fatty. I know in the past usually by the week before Halloween I completely ignore the scale until January 1st rolls around.

This year will really be a challenge for me. I am hosting Thanksgiving, and then 2 weeks later I am hosting a Holiday party. I do a LOT of traditional baking and so the treats and temptations will be abundant.

However, since my surgery my cravings have nearly disappeared completely, or you could say my will power was increased dramatically. I find it so much easier to say "No" to chocolate, candy, pies, cakes, junk food in general. In the past and before surgery it was nearly impossible and I'd rationalize my way into eating the "no-no" food, one way or another.

I think because I did pay money to have this surgery and so many know about it, I don't want to fail! I don't want to fail my family and have them say "Look not even surgery worked for her!" nor do I want to find myself saying that nor do I want my husband saying that (fyi: he thinks I am getting "too" skinny for him already!). I want to prove to myself, my father, my family, my children, and anyone else that this surgery works and worked for me, and I worked my surgery/tool the best I damn well could!

I want to be at or near goal by my 1 year surgiversary, and I really should be there at this rate. My weight loss has slowed down to be around 10lbs a month now and I have 6 months to go and I have around 65lbs left to lose. So I could realistically be just that close to goal, unless I stall. Hell I'll consider myself a "success" when I can fit into a size 12 or 10 jeans! I'm only 2-3 sizes away from that right now! Hell, I'll be successful if I can weigh what my DH weighs! I'm only 40lbs away from that one! LOL

Any ways, that is my confession, and I don't feel guilty, just gluttonous. I felt so full and yucky from all of the bad food the night before that on Sunday I still felt yucky and kind of full still. Even NOW my tongue still feels nasty. blech.

Any ways, I am on the road to "recovery" from Halloween's junk fest. Even now, for the whole day, I've only "gained" .2 oz so in the AM I should be down more. This AM 216.8 now I am 217 so in the Morning I should be down hopefully a pound. (fingers crossed)

Sweet 16!

I can now officially fit into a size 16!!

How sweet is that! I never thought I'd be able to do that again in my life and yet it has happened!

I am 15lbs away from making it to my 199 goal and I have around 30 days left before Thanksgiving so I doubt I'll lose 1 pound every 2 days, but oh well. At least I'll be very close to 199 by T-day, although I am sure I'll gain like 5 lbs on T-day. But I doubt I'll be able to eat much, LOL.

Hubby is Staring to Lose

His wardrobe now. LOL

Tonight I wanted to get comfortable and put some PJ's on, but all of my sleepware is too big for me and those that do fit loosely are shorts and it's too cold for shorts right now.

So I picked up a pair of my DH's lounge pants and checked the tab and they said "L" I put them up to my body to see if they, perhaps, would fit and it seemed like they might. So I slipped them on, and to my surprise they fit perfectly! I even have room left over!

I've NEVER been able to fit into any of my husband's pants before. lounge pants or otherwise! I am slowly getting close to fitting into his jeans now though, and I know he is getting nervous because he knows that when that happens then hit wardrob will shrink as he watches my wardrobe grow, LOL

Well it'll be more like sharing clothes. I won't completely take over his clothes, but it'll be nice to turn to his side of the closet and drawers for some clothes if I need them.

I still can't believe I can actually FIT into a pair of his pants right now. ::giddy::

The answer is . . .

looks like it might be! Woke up to a weight of 219.4! Finally below that 220 mark. Took me long enough too. Here's to hoping that the trend continues and I reach 216 by next Friday.

And here's to hoping really hard that it continues without another stall so that I can get to 199 by T-day.

Is My Stall Over?

I am crossing my fingers in a desperate hope that it is.

AF, finally arrived a WEEK LATE!!! I have no idea why, but since veteran WLS people say this is normal, then I will go with the "it's normal" line. I know hormones are all out of whack still, but things like this frighten me since I really would like one more baby, but I am 34 and already have 7 children. Still after I miscarried in Aug '08 I still have my baby blanket fabric and notions for that final baby blanket. I look at it everytime I open the linen drawer and hope that one day I will have a viable baby to make it for. {{{SIGH}}}

Ok enough with all that.

So, on Sept 22nd I reached the 100lbs milestone. Then on Sept 26th I reached my lowest weight of 220.2lbs. Then . . . . .nothing.

My weight fluctuated between 221 and 224. I was frustrated and even a little depressed. I figured it was just water weight for PMS'ing, thinking AF would come soon. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I took several pregnancy tests, all negative, just to make sure. On Tuesday Oct 15, I finally gave up, thinking AF just wasn't going to come. I think that relaxed me enough, because the next day AF arrived. WHEW!!!

Now I am on the down turn again it seems. Tonight before I head off to bed, the scale read 220.6 lbs. I am fairly certain it won't go below 220 in the morning, just because I want it to, ROFLOL. That always seems to be the case. If I really, really, really want the scale to move down, just a few points. . .it won't. Just to spite me, it doesn't move.

I am just really excited to see 219 on the scale soon. I am also REALLY hoping to hit 216 by Friday. That is my goal right now.

Of course the next goal after that is 206 and then 199 or even 196 would be nice, by Thanksgiving. But seeing as I had a 3 week stall recently, I expect I'll have another stall and probably won't be below 200 by T-Day like I want. But we shall see. Perhaps I will hit a stride and drop 20lbs in 5½ weeks; but I will not hold my breath too hard on it.

So stay tuned to see if my stall is finally over or not. And for me, I deem a stall over if I can get 2-3lbs below. (For example I like to be at 217 or 218 instead of 220; or 207 or 208 instead of 210, does that make any sense?)

Stall Frustrations

I know I haven't updated in a while, and it's because I haven't had much to report on.

I have been stuck for nearly 3 weeks now. It's been 17 days and counting. It's absolutely frustrating to not see the scale move. I FEEL like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Carbs are low and water it good, exercise it normal.

The only difference is AF is LATE! And before you suggest that I may be pregnant . . . well several tests have said otherwise. They are all negative. That's yet another frustrating aspect of this because I know when and if AF arrives that afterwords my hormones will stabilize and I will lose weight again for about a week or two.

I don't know what more to do but wait and just keep hoping that things will start moving in the right direction again soon.

It's just that the closer my goal date gets the more frustrated and even depressed I get at the thought of possibly not reaching that goal. I just want to get there before all of my family sees me for the first time since my surgery. {{sigh}}

Just needed to whine a little.

Woes of Womanhood

Sometimes it can be really frsutrating to be a woman trying to lose weight. These freaky hormones play games with us and I am at that stage in the "cycle" where I am not losing anything, worth talking about.

I know it "passes" and all but gosh darn it; it's damn frustrating!

For a week and a half to 2½ weeks I "stall" and sometimes even gain some weight and while logically I understand it's part of the womanly cycle, the bigger more scared part of me panicks. I start thinking:

"Is this all I am going to lose?"
"Does this make me a failure?"
"Will I never make it to that next goal?"
"Will I never fit into those size 14's or 12's?"
"Am I really destined to be obese for the rest of my life, even with this tool?!"
"If I don't lose more weight than this, or get to a normal weight, my family will think the surgery was a waste!"

I think a SAFreak really goes straight to these thoughts and questions when a stall happens reguardless of why. It's tough this first year to ever imagine losing 100lbs or more. But then you do. But then things slow down drastically and then roller coaster of WLS woes sets in, and I just can't help it.

I know I am not eating over 1000 calories. Maybe one day my food choices weren't the best, but when I get back on plan or turn to the 5 day pouch test, NOTHING happens to my weight, and I really start to think "this must be it".

I still have a couple of days to go before I should be riding the crimson wave, but the mind games I go through, with myself, are amazing and even sometimes depressing. I knw what people say, about I will continue to lose weight, but of course it's always easier to say that when you've reached goal or have been post-op for over a year or more while being at goal. I'm nearly 6 months out and still freaking I won't get to goal by my 1 year surgiversary.

{{SIGH}}

I really wish I didn't have to have it so much harder than men. These freaky hormones are the bane of my weight loss existence, right now.

I was called "TINY"!!!

I KNOW I am nowhere near "tiny" since I am still over 200lbs! But I guess it is a big change from being 326.

Today at church, I was getting compliments left and right; and questions on how I was losing the weight. I am more than happy to tell these people because they are all very supportive and kind. Plus I really want to promote the sleeve as much as possible because it is a new option and IMHO the best option out there right now.

So the one lady with whom we've both battled the weight demons and has been asking me a lot about my surgery because her husband really is in "need" of it, and recently his doctor even suggested WLS for him as well. I know it's scary to even consider doing something this drastic, but I really have come to find that it is a great option, even though the recovery stage can be quite difficult.

So she walked up to me and said "You are getting tiny!" I laughed and said, "Hardly!" Her reply was that I just don't see it because it's more gradual with me. Well sure, but I'll consider myself "tiny" when I can fit into a 14 or a 16. Not an 18 or a 20. But that's just me. I am still 220lbs and that to me is nowhere near "tiny" in my book.

So I got to talking with them and especially him about this surgery and all of the benefits to it. I really do hope he considers it since he is in such poor health. They say he's "healthy" but you can not be "healthy" at 450lbs!! Yet he has no co-morbidities, he says, and he says his blood work is normal. Yet I know his BMI can NOT be normal and is probably way above that 52 mark.

I really do like that I inspire people, and I will admit I like the attention too. I have noticed a big difference in the way people treat me, even at this size and weight. I am starting to think I am in that "acceptable" weight class. not too fat to be ignored but not too thin that I am drooled over by other men, yk?!

It's just people will talk to me more. I noticed this today when I waited outside an auditorium for the new Michael Moore movie to show. I sat next to a woman, whom I later found out was just 3 years younger than me, but looked like 10 years younger than me, and she and a bunch of other people randomly struck up conversations with me. That is NOT usual for me.

Normal, for me, is reading my book, watching a movie on my Zune, or listening to music that I brought and outright being ignored. Instead I felt included and welcomed, which was odd to me. I saw a bunch of people I know show up too and we chit chatted. Again not normal for me.

When the day was done I felt so much more confident and even "sexy" a little. I know the church mirror made me look pretty good if I do say so myself.

I've lost 10 inches!

I know many read my posts on the boards so you've already read this, but I don't care. This is for others and for myself! LOL

I lost 10inches in my chest! I needed a new bra and I have gone froma size 48DD down to a 38D. My new bra lifted my boobs from my torso up to my chest where they belong!

Still my boobs without their holsters are flat and down to my belly button. SIGH Wight loss and 10 years of breastfeeding really does a number on your boobs!

My First & Last Atheist Rant *warning*

I apologize to my religious / Christian friends right now. But these are my thoughts that have been bothering me lately and before I explode I need to get it out. So if you Believe in your Deity then you might become offended. So you might want to not read this blog. So if you do and get offended then don't post a comment about how I offended you because I JUST WARNED YOU WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT!

I am seriously tired of seeing signature lines praising the lord or god for their WLS, or their weight loss, etc etc etc. How they could have only done "it" with god on their side.

Excuse me?! Where the hell was your god when you were over 300lbs and praying for help in losing weight naturally? Where was your god when you prayed for strength to stay away from the ice cream carton, only to have eaten the whole thing 5 minutes later?

God didn't force you to eat junk food or large quanities of food, any more than he made you go and get weight loss surgery to help you stop eating so damn much!

If god really loved you in the first place, then he would have made your metabolism high enough to keep all of that extra weight off in the first place. If he loved you he wouldn't have helped steer you to the 'all you can eat' buffet while you take it as a challenge to make the place go bankrupt!

Ok I know these are some extreme examples, but so is making a decision for yourself and then working hard at doing what your doctors tell you to do, and then working hard at recovering, and going through liquid diet stages, and then eating, dumping, barfing, and then missing food, the emotional roller coaster, etc etc etc. Then finally learning how to use your tool properly and finally finding a balance to where you really start to see weight just fall of you. It melts away as you stick to your chicken and salad, sugar free, fat free, and limited carb foods. No more are you tempted by that gallon of ice cream, 44oz soda, bag of chips, or the Snickers on your co-worker's desk.

YOU and only YOU accomplished this.

I do not understand why one would go through all of that and then hand over all of the accomplishment to an invisible person who still doesn't answer your prayers. Why are you more important than any other fat person? Why hasn't god taken all of the extra food you might have eaten and given it to the starving kids in the world?!

Prayer only leads to 3 answers. Yes, No, and Wait. Either it was "answered" and you got your "wish" or you wait, and wait and wait and nothing happens, thus resulting in a "no" or you just wait indefinately, of course if it's not answered by the time you die you can assume the answer was a no. Or you wait an insane amount of time and shockingly it is answerd because your "wish" comes true. You can pray to a jug of milk and get the same results. Try it for a week and you'll see. So your prayers weren't answered when you got this surgery. You made it happen because you made a choice.

So I really hate seeing all of the "Praise god you have lost another 10 pounds with his help!" or "I couldn't have done it without gods help!" Sorry, but you did just do it without anybody's help. Be proud of YOUR accomplishments and quit handing them over to "someone" who did absolutely nothing.

But I know it makes you feel better, so I bite my tongue and stick to the status quo. If I didn't have a blog as an outlet this would annoy my husband because I'd be ranting to him about this too much, LOL

I KNOW I did this to myself. I know I've tried every diet I could with only some results and usually failures (okay they all failed - I failed all of them). The "diets" didn't work I failed at them. I failed at staying on plan and I failed at choosing the right foods. It's easy to get discouraged when weight doesn't come off the way you want it to.

I was the one who chose to have this surgery. I believe I got LUCKY when I walked into the surgeons office the DAY AFTER he started the VSG, to be the first one to ASK for the VSG. I was even more lucky to have my insurance approve the surgery without problems and to have my surgeon help push my surgery date through so I didn't have to waste time waiting and paying more into COBRA. I was a pioneer to be able to offer myself as the 2nd VSG patient for my doctor, hospital, and bariatric clinic!

I don't believe some deity did this for me, or helped me. I did this for myself. I worked HARD, damn HARD at making the right calls and paying for insurance, and working through my husband's unemployment so I could get this surgery.

I saved my life by making the right choice for me.

I worked HARD at getting through recovery which landed me in the hospital several times with nausea and vomiting and severe dehydration.

I worked HARD at eating right to be able to lose 104 pounds in 5 months! I did this! I had support from friends and family and online communities. I am so glad I made the right choice for me and I hope I can continue to keep making the right choices for me so my weight loss continues and I make my goal. But no invisible man helped me. I did this myself and I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments!

Ok . . . back to our regularly scheduled blogging. Thank you for reading or ignoring. I hope you all still like me.

Whew! I feel better!

The Unexpected Guilt

That's right I feel somewhat guilty at times!

Why do I feel guilty? Partly because this is almost too easy. Some of my friends who have not had any WLS are struggling, day after day with very little results. I have been on some Weight Loss boards for a good 2-3 years and some of my friends have not lost nearly as much as I have. They've struggled for years and may have only lost 50 - 60 pounds some maybe 80lbs. Then here I come, and lose over 100 pounds in just 5 months and STILL losing!!

Of course I would love to pimp out WLS, but I try not to, because they all want to do it "naturally". I know I used to feel that way, until I hit that breaking point, the bottom of the barrel, the end of my ropes . . . you get the idea.

I also feel kind of guilty about how fast I am losing compared to some of my other WLS buddies. Some people who had surgery before me and had just as much weight to lose or more, have not lost as much as me either. Those who had surgery about the same time I did may not also have lost as much as me either. I guess I feel bad because I know I would personally feel slightly jealous if I was the one who didn't lose as much as fast as another, and I hate knowing that my loss causes another some depression or causes someone else to feel like they may be failing slightly. It kind of sucks to be on either end of the spectrum, LOL

I know I can not control others nor can I control how much people lose or how fast they lose. I KNOW we are all different. I just wish we could all lose at the same fast pace. But as others have said, 'It takes a lifetime to put the weight on, so it won't all come off over night or fast.' I know this and yet I still feel guilty and I still get discouraged when I hit a stall here and there.

Speaking of stalls, I find it funny how I look at stalls too. My stalls have never lasted more than a week and I do start freaking out a bit if I don't see the scale move. Yet I read of others who have stalls last weeks, and months. I really do have to start counting my blessings here.

I also have to confess that I do not always stick to the plan. From April until last week, I was eating just about anything I wanted. I was NOT getting in my proteins, and I actually ate over 2000 calories of junk food one day and gained some weight. When I did that I had a wake up call and that's when I decided to go back to plan and start back up with the atkins. So things haven't always been easy for me, and of course I take full responsiblility for my food actions.

Ah, the emotional roller coaster of a WLS patient

Almost another 2 pounds!

Seriously, people, protein really does work!!

Date Weight Total Lost Left To Go
9/20/2009 227 -99 77
9/21/2009 226.8 -99.2 76.8
9/22/2009 225 -101 75
9/23/2009 223.4 -102.6 73.4

From the 12th to the 20th I was STUCK hovering around 230 and 227. I just really wanted to get over that hump, so I turned to my tried and true "detox" method. The Atkin's Induction Plan.

Since I started it on Sunday, I've lost nearly 4 pounds in 4 days. 3.8 pounds in 4 days!!

Now I know this trend won't continue this dramatically, but man it sure feels good to get over that hump and watch the scale fall even lower than you expected!

I suppose if I keep this up in 4 more days I could be below 220. I could actually see 219!! I have not been that low since probably high school. I believe when I met my husband I was in the 220 range, and since then I've just gone up, up, up. Well, with a few downs in there too.

In high school I was always in the 200's. I think freshman year, when I started out I MAY have been slightly below 200 because I had been in the hospital for a while, and hadn't been able to eat for nearly 2 weeks. Of course to the doctors I was just "faking" my pain and inability to eat. That I was just trying to get out of going to high school. Never mind the fact I was crapping my guts out with blood in my stool. bu they just tell my mom it was all in my head. So when I was released and still had some pains I never said anything about it. Whatever it was though it's gone now, even though I had those same pains several more times throughout my life.

Any hoo . . .

I am still trying to wrap my brain around being 24 pounds away from being below 200. To being 199!!! That's just not me!! I don't know how long it will be before my head catches up to that idea. I woner if losing 24 more pounds will cause me to shrink out of my clothes again??? We're too poor for me to buy new clothes every month, LOL. I guess that's why we have thrift stores right?! ;) Even still I have some "new" used clothes I still haven't worn yet. I didn't even get that many new shirts, and only have 3 pairs of jeans I have to rotate through. I just don't want to over buy and then have to get new clothes.

The funny thing though is that when I my clothes were falling off of me in the beginning, I didn't want to shop for new clothes because I knew they'd still be "big" clothes. As in being 22, 24, or 26's. I seriously waited until my pants couldn't stay on me anymore. I also HAD to buy shorts for the summer.

Now though . . . I am anxious to get into a smaller size so I can just go out and buy the next smaller size!! Of course I want to be in a size 16 instead of an 18/20!! Who wouldn't want to be a size that didn't have a 20 or a 30 in the size?! I'm in the TEENS already!

It's funny how I am more anxious to get into a smaller size than I am in weighing less. LOL

Here's to finally enjoying shopping!

100lbs down B&A pics!

I have lost 100.8 pounds from my highest weight ever. These are some of my before and after pictures. I only have 75 more pounds to go until I reach my goal weight now. I've never lost this much at one time, ever before in my life!!

Size 30/32

Size 18/20