I was called "TINY"!!!

I KNOW I am nowhere near "tiny" since I am still over 200lbs! But I guess it is a big change from being 326.

Today at church, I was getting compliments left and right; and questions on how I was losing the weight. I am more than happy to tell these people because they are all very supportive and kind. Plus I really want to promote the sleeve as much as possible because it is a new option and IMHO the best option out there right now.

So the one lady with whom we've both battled the weight demons and has been asking me a lot about my surgery because her husband really is in "need" of it, and recently his doctor even suggested WLS for him as well. I know it's scary to even consider doing something this drastic, but I really have come to find that it is a great option, even though the recovery stage can be quite difficult.

So she walked up to me and said "You are getting tiny!" I laughed and said, "Hardly!" Her reply was that I just don't see it because it's more gradual with me. Well sure, but I'll consider myself "tiny" when I can fit into a 14 or a 16. Not an 18 or a 20. But that's just me. I am still 220lbs and that to me is nowhere near "tiny" in my book.

So I got to talking with them and especially him about this surgery and all of the benefits to it. I really do hope he considers it since he is in such poor health. They say he's "healthy" but you can not be "healthy" at 450lbs!! Yet he has no co-morbidities, he says, and he says his blood work is normal. Yet I know his BMI can NOT be normal and is probably way above that 52 mark.

I really do like that I inspire people, and I will admit I like the attention too. I have noticed a big difference in the way people treat me, even at this size and weight. I am starting to think I am in that "acceptable" weight class. not too fat to be ignored but not too thin that I am drooled over by other men, yk?!

It's just people will talk to me more. I noticed this today when I waited outside an auditorium for the new Michael Moore movie to show. I sat next to a woman, whom I later found out was just 3 years younger than me, but looked like 10 years younger than me, and she and a bunch of other people randomly struck up conversations with me. That is NOT usual for me.

Normal, for me, is reading my book, watching a movie on my Zune, or listening to music that I brought and outright being ignored. Instead I felt included and welcomed, which was odd to me. I saw a bunch of people I know show up too and we chit chatted. Again not normal for me.

When the day was done I felt so much more confident and even "sexy" a little. I know the church mirror made me look pretty good if I do say so myself.

I've lost 10 inches!

I know many read my posts on the boards so you've already read this, but I don't care. This is for others and for myself! LOL

I lost 10inches in my chest! I needed a new bra and I have gone froma size 48DD down to a 38D. My new bra lifted my boobs from my torso up to my chest where they belong!

Still my boobs without their holsters are flat and down to my belly button. SIGH Wight loss and 10 years of breastfeeding really does a number on your boobs!

My First & Last Atheist Rant *warning*

I apologize to my religious / Christian friends right now. But these are my thoughts that have been bothering me lately and before I explode I need to get it out. So if you Believe in your Deity then you might become offended. So you might want to not read this blog. So if you do and get offended then don't post a comment about how I offended you because I JUST WARNED YOU WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT!

I am seriously tired of seeing signature lines praising the lord or god for their WLS, or their weight loss, etc etc etc. How they could have only done "it" with god on their side.

Excuse me?! Where the hell was your god when you were over 300lbs and praying for help in losing weight naturally? Where was your god when you prayed for strength to stay away from the ice cream carton, only to have eaten the whole thing 5 minutes later?

God didn't force you to eat junk food or large quanities of food, any more than he made you go and get weight loss surgery to help you stop eating so damn much!

If god really loved you in the first place, then he would have made your metabolism high enough to keep all of that extra weight off in the first place. If he loved you he wouldn't have helped steer you to the 'all you can eat' buffet while you take it as a challenge to make the place go bankrupt!

Ok I know these are some extreme examples, but so is making a decision for yourself and then working hard at doing what your doctors tell you to do, and then working hard at recovering, and going through liquid diet stages, and then eating, dumping, barfing, and then missing food, the emotional roller coaster, etc etc etc. Then finally learning how to use your tool properly and finally finding a balance to where you really start to see weight just fall of you. It melts away as you stick to your chicken and salad, sugar free, fat free, and limited carb foods. No more are you tempted by that gallon of ice cream, 44oz soda, bag of chips, or the Snickers on your co-worker's desk.

YOU and only YOU accomplished this.

I do not understand why one would go through all of that and then hand over all of the accomplishment to an invisible person who still doesn't answer your prayers. Why are you more important than any other fat person? Why hasn't god taken all of the extra food you might have eaten and given it to the starving kids in the world?!

Prayer only leads to 3 answers. Yes, No, and Wait. Either it was "answered" and you got your "wish" or you wait, and wait and wait and nothing happens, thus resulting in a "no" or you just wait indefinately, of course if it's not answered by the time you die you can assume the answer was a no. Or you wait an insane amount of time and shockingly it is answerd because your "wish" comes true. You can pray to a jug of milk and get the same results. Try it for a week and you'll see. So your prayers weren't answered when you got this surgery. You made it happen because you made a choice.

So I really hate seeing all of the "Praise god you have lost another 10 pounds with his help!" or "I couldn't have done it without gods help!" Sorry, but you did just do it without anybody's help. Be proud of YOUR accomplishments and quit handing them over to "someone" who did absolutely nothing.

But I know it makes you feel better, so I bite my tongue and stick to the status quo. If I didn't have a blog as an outlet this would annoy my husband because I'd be ranting to him about this too much, LOL

I KNOW I did this to myself. I know I've tried every diet I could with only some results and usually failures (okay they all failed - I failed all of them). The "diets" didn't work I failed at them. I failed at staying on plan and I failed at choosing the right foods. It's easy to get discouraged when weight doesn't come off the way you want it to.

I was the one who chose to have this surgery. I believe I got LUCKY when I walked into the surgeons office the DAY AFTER he started the VSG, to be the first one to ASK for the VSG. I was even more lucky to have my insurance approve the surgery without problems and to have my surgeon help push my surgery date through so I didn't have to waste time waiting and paying more into COBRA. I was a pioneer to be able to offer myself as the 2nd VSG patient for my doctor, hospital, and bariatric clinic!

I don't believe some deity did this for me, or helped me. I did this for myself. I worked HARD, damn HARD at making the right calls and paying for insurance, and working through my husband's unemployment so I could get this surgery.

I saved my life by making the right choice for me.

I worked HARD at getting through recovery which landed me in the hospital several times with nausea and vomiting and severe dehydration.

I worked HARD at eating right to be able to lose 104 pounds in 5 months! I did this! I had support from friends and family and online communities. I am so glad I made the right choice for me and I hope I can continue to keep making the right choices for me so my weight loss continues and I make my goal. But no invisible man helped me. I did this myself and I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments!

Ok . . . back to our regularly scheduled blogging. Thank you for reading or ignoring. I hope you all still like me.

Whew! I feel better!

The Unexpected Guilt

That's right I feel somewhat guilty at times!

Why do I feel guilty? Partly because this is almost too easy. Some of my friends who have not had any WLS are struggling, day after day with very little results. I have been on some Weight Loss boards for a good 2-3 years and some of my friends have not lost nearly as much as I have. They've struggled for years and may have only lost 50 - 60 pounds some maybe 80lbs. Then here I come, and lose over 100 pounds in just 5 months and STILL losing!!

Of course I would love to pimp out WLS, but I try not to, because they all want to do it "naturally". I know I used to feel that way, until I hit that breaking point, the bottom of the barrel, the end of my ropes . . . you get the idea.

I also feel kind of guilty about how fast I am losing compared to some of my other WLS buddies. Some people who had surgery before me and had just as much weight to lose or more, have not lost as much as me either. Those who had surgery about the same time I did may not also have lost as much as me either. I guess I feel bad because I know I would personally feel slightly jealous if I was the one who didn't lose as much as fast as another, and I hate knowing that my loss causes another some depression or causes someone else to feel like they may be failing slightly. It kind of sucks to be on either end of the spectrum, LOL

I know I can not control others nor can I control how much people lose or how fast they lose. I KNOW we are all different. I just wish we could all lose at the same fast pace. But as others have said, 'It takes a lifetime to put the weight on, so it won't all come off over night or fast.' I know this and yet I still feel guilty and I still get discouraged when I hit a stall here and there.

Speaking of stalls, I find it funny how I look at stalls too. My stalls have never lasted more than a week and I do start freaking out a bit if I don't see the scale move. Yet I read of others who have stalls last weeks, and months. I really do have to start counting my blessings here.

I also have to confess that I do not always stick to the plan. From April until last week, I was eating just about anything I wanted. I was NOT getting in my proteins, and I actually ate over 2000 calories of junk food one day and gained some weight. When I did that I had a wake up call and that's when I decided to go back to plan and start back up with the atkins. So things haven't always been easy for me, and of course I take full responsiblility for my food actions.

Ah, the emotional roller coaster of a WLS patient

Almost another 2 pounds!

Seriously, people, protein really does work!!

Date Weight Total Lost Left To Go
9/20/2009 227 -99 77
9/21/2009 226.8 -99.2 76.8
9/22/2009 225 -101 75
9/23/2009 223.4 -102.6 73.4

From the 12th to the 20th I was STUCK hovering around 230 and 227. I just really wanted to get over that hump, so I turned to my tried and true "detox" method. The Atkin's Induction Plan.

Since I started it on Sunday, I've lost nearly 4 pounds in 4 days. 3.8 pounds in 4 days!!

Now I know this trend won't continue this dramatically, but man it sure feels good to get over that hump and watch the scale fall even lower than you expected!

I suppose if I keep this up in 4 more days I could be below 220. I could actually see 219!! I have not been that low since probably high school. I believe when I met my husband I was in the 220 range, and since then I've just gone up, up, up. Well, with a few downs in there too.

In high school I was always in the 200's. I think freshman year, when I started out I MAY have been slightly below 200 because I had been in the hospital for a while, and hadn't been able to eat for nearly 2 weeks. Of course to the doctors I was just "faking" my pain and inability to eat. That I was just trying to get out of going to high school. Never mind the fact I was crapping my guts out with blood in my stool. bu they just tell my mom it was all in my head. So when I was released and still had some pains I never said anything about it. Whatever it was though it's gone now, even though I had those same pains several more times throughout my life.

Any hoo . . .

I am still trying to wrap my brain around being 24 pounds away from being below 200. To being 199!!! That's just not me!! I don't know how long it will be before my head catches up to that idea. I woner if losing 24 more pounds will cause me to shrink out of my clothes again??? We're too poor for me to buy new clothes every month, LOL. I guess that's why we have thrift stores right?! ;) Even still I have some "new" used clothes I still haven't worn yet. I didn't even get that many new shirts, and only have 3 pairs of jeans I have to rotate through. I just don't want to over buy and then have to get new clothes.

The funny thing though is that when I my clothes were falling off of me in the beginning, I didn't want to shop for new clothes because I knew they'd still be "big" clothes. As in being 22, 24, or 26's. I seriously waited until my pants couldn't stay on me anymore. I also HAD to buy shorts for the summer.

Now though . . . I am anxious to get into a smaller size so I can just go out and buy the next smaller size!! Of course I want to be in a size 16 instead of an 18/20!! Who wouldn't want to be a size that didn't have a 20 or a 30 in the size?! I'm in the TEENS already!

It's funny how I am more anxious to get into a smaller size than I am in weighing less. LOL

Here's to finally enjoying shopping!

100lbs down B&A pics!

I have lost 100.8 pounds from my highest weight ever. These are some of my before and after pictures. I only have 75 more pounds to go until I reach my goal weight now. I've never lost this much at one time, ever before in my life!!

Size 30/32

Size 18/20

FINALLY!!!!

I had some heard work ahead of me at the beginning of the week. I've been desperately trying to lose those last 2 pounds so I can officially say I've lost 100 pounds and it finally paid off!!!

This morning I was 225.2!!! That's 100.8 pounds GONE!!!!

I plan on taking of "after" pictures to post and I also plan on doing a new Vlog.

I decided I was eating too many carbs and sugary things so I started the Atkin's induction phase to help shed those last 2 pounds and it finally worked. I'll stay on plan for hopefully the next 2 weeks since a 14 day induction and I am only 3 days into it. But it will be interesting to see how much I can lose in the next 2 weeks on the induction. I know I was always able to lose around 10 pounds while on it, and that would be awesome if I could lose another 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I REALLY REALLY REALLY RRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYY
want to be below 200 by Thanksgiving, when all of my family comes for the holiday. How awesome would THAT be?!!

I'll try not to be too disappointed if I don't make it, but it's my hope, wish, and dream right now.

Number Dysmorphia

My head has completely shunned the idea that we've really lost 98 pounds. Yesterday while writting my blog I transposed numbers not once or twice but several times over. I didn't realize it until I went back and read it to edit. That's when I noticed whenever I wrote 228 I actually wrote 282. I just can't see myself being 228 andnot 282. I was in the 280's for years before I gained to 326, so my head is comfortable at 282. That number seems "normal" to me when I see it on the scale or written.

Then this morning really opened my eyes up when I SWORE I saw the scale read 282 instead of 228. I know yesterday I was feeling really fat again, because I think I have some water retention and my one pair of size 20 jeans that fit fine the week before felt a little tight so I moved to the slightly bigger size 20 jeans instead. That tightness and the number dysmorphia just made me feel like I am failing at this. My weight hasn't moved from 228 in what seems like 2 weeks or more, even though I know that's not true. It's like my body knows I want to lose just 2 more pounds and it's F'ing with me by holding onto it for as long as possible.

Still when I realized I had registered the scale numbers as 282 in my head and didn't even bat an eye or get upset at it, that's when I knew I kind of have a problem here. I have become so focused on these 2 measley pounds I am not appreciating the 98 that I've lost in only 21 weeks!

Still there is always a part of me, when I stall, that thinks. . ."Ok. That's it. I'm not going to lose anymore weight. I will never see that 100 pound weight loss. I will never see my weight reach 199."

I really do hate all of these mind games.

Has anyone else had number dysmorphia when it comes to the scale?

I'm Stuck!!!

Hrumph!!!

It's always when you are striving for a goal, that is when the scale stops. Sick, stack, stuck, stuck, stuck!

I did get down to 227.8 and really hoped it would get a little lower than that. Instead it went back up a little and has been wavering between 228.2 and 228.6.

Okay, adding a side note here but I just noticed that I had written 277 and 278! I changed it to the correct weights but OMG I still think of myself as just that heavy still! I am so used to 277 or 278 and so NOT used to being 227 or 228! I don't think it's a freudian, but it certainly says a lot about where my head is at in all of this.

Any ways. I'm eating the right things and avoiding the wrong things, and yet the scale is stuck. :( This saddens me a bit because I really want to be at 226 by the end of the week and now it looks impossible. I do hope that by the end of NEXT week I will have shaken the scale loose and it will move again.

It's funny to me because I don't normally fret aboutthings like this, but when you're on the cusp of hitting a HUGE milestone that not too many people can claim, such as getting rid of 100 pounds off their body, having it stare at you for over a week and a half is frustrating, and such a tease!

I know I will get there, I just wish it was here now.

I am also surprised at where I am in all of this. I seriously was not this obsessive about my weight until I started getting closer to this milestone. I want to try and shake the desire to weigh myself 2, 3, 5, times a day or more. I don't worry about it unless the scale doesn't move in the morning. Okay 'worry' isn't the right word. It's more like frustration and annoyance.

My calories range from 300-800 depending on how busy the day was. I do need to get better at my protein though. I get in between 30 and 90 grams of protein in, again depending on the day.

Why does it depens on my day? Well with 7 kids all day long, (we homeschool) one can forget to eat very easily. I do try very hard to make sure I get my protein in in the morning to help start the day off right.

So that was my whine for the week. Fingers are still crossed that I will hopefully see 226 on the scale by Saturday, but my hopes are not that high for the possibility right now.

Only 1.8lbs to go!

I could possibly have lost 100 pounds by the end of the week!

This am I was 227.8. I started at my highest weight this year at 326 and am trying to reach 226 to get to that 100 pound weight loss goal! I can barely believe I am only 1.8lbs away from reaching that goal. Less than 2 pounds away!

I bought some shirts and a pair of jeans from Salvation Army this weekend. They all fit, and only one was a little tight but I will more than likely shrink into before the end of the year.

EEEEEEEEEK I am only 28.2 pounds away from ONEderland now!!!

WOW Moments

This week was filled with what many would call "WOW Moments" as well as body dysmorphia moments.

First, I've been comfortably wearing my size 20 jeans. I am loving it! But it causes some head games. When I look down at my legs I think "Man those look so much skinnier than I remember!" And then I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself in them and think, "Ugh I am still fat and I don't see much of a change." especially when I look at those pictures next to the "before" pictures.

Still, at least for the most part I go with what I see when I look down at myself and legs, because I think and feel so much skinnier and even, dare I say, sexier?!

So some little WOW Moments have been that my office chair has seemingly grown bigger. I now somehow have extra room in it. If I kick my legs up to recline I'm not uncomfortable anymore and I can even cross my legs in my chair, which I never could do before.

When I cross my legs now I don't need to hoist them up by hand. I can lift my leg up without aid and cross them effortlessly. On top of that I have a HOLE!! Yep, when I cross my legs and put my ankle on my knee there is not a big gaping hole in the shape of a triangle when I look down. I can fit my arm through it and still have room to spare! The last I remember, I had to physically lift my foot to my knee and once my legs were "crossed" it was just a pool of fat thighs. There was no hole or gap what so ever.

My seat belt fits a LOT better. Before I used to worry about the seat belt not fitting. Sometimes I'd just barely get the belt around me and snapped. Now without thinking, I don't have to pull the belt all the way out until I can't anymore before buckling, and now I have to usually tighten it up!

My shoes are too big!! I know I had heard that feet shrink too, but I didn't think that after a short 4 months my sandals would be too big for me, but they are. I now have to Velcro them on as tight as possible, but they still end up flopping around too much, and it's too late in the season to get new ones. Besides the Fall season is around the corner and most stores don't have good sandals left anyways. As it is it's probably a good thing I didn't get new winter shoes last year when my old ones finally split. Instead I just kept them together with duck tape for most of the season. Now that my shoe size is smaller, if I had gotten shoes last winter they'd probably be to big this winter. Who'da thunk it?!

I need a new swimsuit too! My old one is too big for me and was so stretched out from my fatness that it's worn in a few places. DH finally noticed this today while we were swimming, despite me having told him I needed a new one earlier, LOL Plus my straps won't stay up either. I guess it's a good thing we'll probably not be swimming again any time soon.

WOW I really am a size 20! I still can't get my head around that. I went shopping today for a new shirt since ALL of my shirts are too big for me right now. Granted they don't fall off of me, but they do cover up my progress and I swim in them. So I went looking for shirts and it was a PITA. I am now in an "in between" size. In the regular sizes I am too big or they have no stock left for the 18/20 sizes and in the plus sizes I am too small and they too are all out of stock of the 18/20 sizes. So I guess I am not alone in this size category, but it does make shopping frustrating. Still when I went to try on the size 20 shirts I went in thinking they'd all be too small and tight. NOPE! they all fit well, although one was a little too tight but very cute and it's one I could easily shrink into as time went on, but I had a budget and needed to stick to it so I picked the shirt I loved the most, even though I wanted to get most of them.

There are just so many little "WOW Moments" I get here and there that actually shock and surprise me. I am still an awe of the scale each week, even though day by day it seems like the scale barely moves. When I go back and look at my weight sheet I can clearly see that I am losing 1-3lbs each week and occasionally I will hit a small stall, but consistantly it is going in the down direction.

I still can't fathom being below 200, or fathom that I could potentially have lost 100 pounds OR MORE before the end of the month (at this rate before next weekend!)! That I could potentially need smaller clothes by the holidays too! Yikes!!

Ok this has gotten longer than I expected. I guess what I am saying is that every little WOW adds up and ends up making me feel better about myself in some small way or another.

I feel my self confidence rising every time a new WOW gets noticed or when I catch myself in a mirror looking better than I remembered from my fatter days.

All in all I am loving my sleeve dispite the tiny quantities of food I can have now and dispite the fact that I can't always eat what my head would like to eat. Those resrictions are a good thing and I am seeing the results daily.

92 pounds down 84 to go

My Progress Pictures thus far. I don't like calling them before and after pictures unless I've reached goal, because this is not the final product at all. I've lost 92 pounds so far but I still have 84 more to go until I reach goal.

So I have gone from a size 30+ down to an 20 and even and 18 in some cases. To me if the tag says 18 then it's an 18, even though I know clothing sizes aren't regulated and can vary from maker to maker. Oh well.

I'm just happy to be in a 20 instead of a 30! That's 5 sizes man! I donated all of my clothes to the Salvation Army but now I regret not keeping my largest sized pants so I could make a comparison or take a picture of me standing in just one of the legs, ya know those pics.

Again, oh well.

I also posted a new video on YouTube. Click on the link at the top of the page to see it. I was amazed at the difference in my body from older video's to this new one.

TOM has showed up so now I am at a stall, but I am also hoping that after TOM is gone to lose those extra 8 pounds that I have to reach that 100 pound weight loss milestone. I know I will be dancing for joy and I will probably video me dancing for JOY and ELATION!!