My Body is in ONEderland!

I hit ONEderland, before the end of the year and WHILE pregnant!



At one point I didn't think it was possible and then when I hit 201 a few days ago and then 200 yesterday I got my hopes up for today and sure enough the scale read below 200!

I have NOT seen a 1 at the beginning of my weight since before high school!!!
Last night before bed I weighed myself and was kind of shocked to see the scale read 200.6 BEFORE BED. I dreamt all night long about waking up and stepping on the scale in the morning and seeing the 199, but I also got scared to step on the scale thinking "With my luck my weight will have stayed the same or gone up." I thought for sure that would happen to me so I was scared to step on the scale and be disappointed.

Nope, I stepped on it and got a 199.8. I was happy! Then I went and opened some mail and greeted family and got my camera so I could document my scale victory and when I stepped on the scale again, not once but several time to double and triple check what I was seeing, I was met with the 199.4 lbs!

I am now only 24lbs away from my DH's weight! I have NEVER been this close to his weight before. N-E-V-E-R!!!

Of course I am pregnant so unfortunately my clothes have not changed much. I probably could easily fit into a size 16 now if it wasn't for the baby bump, LOL At the beginning of December I switched to maternity pants, but then dropped like 5-6 lbs in one week and the maternity pants got too big so I went back into my regular jeans. Since getting my BFP I've lost an additional 11lbs I went up on the scales for a bit though and then lost it all and then some without trying. Sticking to my proteins and normal eating. Morning sickness hasn't been too bad. Vomiting has been kept to a minimum but eating has been more difficult. Some days I think I eat too much but those are the days I tend to seem to lose more on the scale, so it's weird.

My flexible goal was to reach 199.8 before Jan 1st. I did that and if I sadly go up on the scale I am a-okay with that because I know baby has to grow and it will cause me to gain weight.

In previous pregnancies I only gained 10-15lbs after I lost a lot in the first trimester. By the end of my pregnancy I am usually lighter than my lowest pre-pregnancy weight. Then I somehow end up gaining it all back and then some while I am breastfeeding! Of course this time I have a much smaller stomach so we'll see how that all turns out.

Ok, so I am long winded. If you made it this far, :D thank you!

Heartbeat, and 2 pounds away!

I turned 10 weeks today. Since I've lost 125lbs I thought we give it a shot at finding the baby's heart beat. It's been my Christmas wish to hear it for Christmas/by Christmas.

However I wasn't sure I'd be able to find it since I could be 9wks 4 days - 10wks along. I don't know when I conceived at all and I suspect I am not as far along as I think I am and my EDD is actually July 23 and not July 21.

Either way, I had dh pull out the doppler after midnight just to "see" if we could find it and I fully expected we wouldn't and I would just try again around Christmas Day instead.

Well, after a little search we heard it clear as day. Nice, FAST, and strong. I am much more relieved now, but I still don't feel "safe". Maybe once I finally feel baby start moving, LOL

I swear pregnancy is so much more stressful after a miscarriage!

I'm also just 2 pounds away from seeing 199 on the scale now. It's weird how the closer I get the more scared I am because I feel like I shouldn't get that low, and yet I am not trying to get that low. This morning sickness has really killed a lot of my appetite and the vomiting here and there don't help either.

I seem to have slowed down for the most part though. I seem to only be losing a pound a week right now and some times nothing at all for a while. I am fairly certain things will start really slowing down or stopping once I hit January when I'll start entering the 2nd trimester.

Such mixed feelings though. While I'd "like" to see 199 on the scale, part of me wonders if it's "okay" to get that low. I already don't feel like I am eating enough and I am not trying to eat less it seriously is this damn morning sickness. UGH!

I am just happy to have heard the baby's heartbeat finally.

They're too Tight

UGH!

They "fit" technically, but they are getting snug and tight now. I'll probably move up a size in jeans until I truly need my new maternity pants, but it's weird to have lost 5 lbs and have my clothes feel tight on me instead of loose. That's not right!

Morning sickness has turned into a bit of a puke fest lately but thankfully my magic drink still works! Yep, Fresca still calms my tummy and makes my yuckies go away. It's weird and I don't know how or why but Fresca works for me! I'd bet money on the fact that it has a lot of grapefruit juice in it. Perhaps it is the citric acid. I don't really know, but I don't quetion it and I will just keep it on hand for when I feel really horrible.

The most difficult part of this all is not truly knowing if some of my tummy feelings are from the surgery or if it is from the pregnancy. I suppose it's about 50/50 at this point but it really does suck.

Still Losing Weight!

I have mixed feelings on this too. On one hand I'm losing weight! But on the other hand . . .should I be losing weight?!

I kind of like the idea of possibly getting below 200 lbs before the end of the year, but then I question if I am eating enough for me and baby. I mean I know the baby takes what the baby needs but I can't eat like I usually do in pregnancy.

There is also the little issue of morning sickness too. Thankfully I am not , apparently that would be more of an issue with my doctors. But I am not puking I am just nauseous whenever I eat something or I will get violently ill. Headaches, painful sickness in my tummy and I just want to curl up and die. And yet. . .and yet I continue to eat for the sake of the baby and for the sake of staying alive.

My eating regimn usually starts out with a morning Atkin's protein shake. Depending on the day it can go down easily or it can take 2-3 hours to sip down just 11 oz with every swallow making me as nauseous as the last.

After I choke down my shake then I can usually have regular food. However breads don't seem to like me lately. Flour tortillas, rolls, and the homemade donuts Dh made just found their way out of me after I ate them. Some proteins don't sit well with me anymore either. I can still do egg salad and the taco salad I had from taco bell the other night, while it took me 3 hours to eat, it actually did well.

Most of the time I have to get my digestion really going to be able to eat any given full meal. But it just gets so painful and I am so nauseous that after a few bites I give up on eating the rest.

I think baby is doing well but I can't be 100% certain. I am still worried about miscarrying and I really do hope that by Christmas I will be able to find baby's HB with the doppler. It would be the best present this season and I will stop worrying. I will be just around 10 weeks by then. If not then, then hopefully the week after. I know the earliest I've been able to find baby's HB was around 11 weeks, but I was also 80lbs heavier too. So who knows . . .?!

I was able to go to the Salvation Army and buy 3 pairs of maternity jeans. Still shocked the 3X jeans were too big and the XL jeans were the "right size", LOL. I am not used to that. I also found a maternity shirt and I got 2 pairs of jeans for now and after baby. One was a size 16 and it fit well! Yay!

I am kicking myself NOW for having passed up some great fitting maternity capri's because it totally escaped me that I would be pregnant during the summer! D'oh! For some reason I thought "I won't need those. I'll be too cold!" UGH! It's difficult shopping for the future if you forget what the weather will be like 6-7 months from now, LOL I'm hoping that maybe tomorrow I'll be able to find them still on the rack as we have to go back for some things we forgot.

Any ways, so far so good. Surprised that I am still losing weight, and yet NOT surprised at the same time. Lower back killing me, boobs killing me, and I am freakin' tired all the time and I have a crap load of things to do in the coming week. {{{sigh}}}

So watch my tickers and see if I make it to 199 before the end of the year and watch my baby virtually grow in the other ticker. :)

Thanksgiving Feast

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Feast!

I hosted and I made a Turkey and 2 Turkey breasts. Green beans, corn, rolls, sour cream & chive mash potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, cranberry stuffing, apple cranberry crunch pies, and a triple layer pumpkin pie. I also had cheese & crackers, snack sausages, chocolate raisins & peanuts, chocolate covered pretzels, veggie tray, olives & pickles, a bunch of cookies, apples & pumpkin dip, and peanuts & cashews.

We had 7 adults and 12 kids. We ate very well.

I am still assessing my Thanksgiving. Part of me really missed gorging on all of the good food, but with what I did eat today, I don't feel deprived at all!

I had my protein shake in the morning to get my tummy going. But I think a little m/s crept in so I felt a little yucky for a while. Although it could have been because I got up too early in my book to cook.

I drank my water for most of the day and snacked on some cheese and a cracker or two with a sausage and I had my favorite sugar cookie too.

Later while cooking I tasted some mashed potatoes a couple times because they were SOOOO GOOOD!

Dinner time I had one turkey slice, a spoonful of corn, a spoonful of green beans, a bit of sweet potatoes, a good sized portion of mashed potatoes, some stuffing and my awesome cranberry sauce. I ate everything I wanted to. I didn't want a roll because I knew it would stuff me and I wanted better stuff. Plus the night before I had 2 rolls at different times but the later roll made me puke so I wasn't as interested today.

I even induglged a bit and drank some cranberry soda. Well I sipped at it and it was watered down by the melting ice.

I ate slowly and while it felt weird to be watched and be asked questions (first post-WLS Thanksgiving so it's just as new to everyone else, my new eating habits) but thankfully my grandmother is a super slow eater. Even with as slow as I eat I still beat her, LOL Everyone else had seconds and had even moved on to pies before I was done.

Quite a bit later my tummy was digested enough I decided to have some of my triple layer pumpkin pie. It's not as heavy as the regular pupkin custard type pies. It's from Jell-O. They carry a Pumpkin Spice pudding mix and it came with this pie recipe that I wanted to try. It was so delicious and easy and I loved that it tasted like pumpkin pie and wasn't as heavy as pumpkin pie.

2 hours later I was hungry so I had some mashed potatoes and another slice of turkey. Now I am sitting here eating my one slice of apple cranberry crunch pie with a little bit of vanilla bean ice cream and cool whip. Of course I've been sharing it with some kids who come in from time to time, LOL

So part of me is very satisfied with having been able to eat everything I wanted to and I am satisfied with not feeling deprived. But there is still a small part of me that wishes I could have had my normal stomach so I could have "over eated" just for this ONE day.

Oh well. I wouldn't trade my weight loss surgery for anything!

I also got a bonus when my sister brought me some of her "big" clothes and I fit into most of them. All of the shirts I fit into and I even fit well into one of the 16's she brought me. The other one's I probably won't get to wear for a LONG time now. I asked her for some "special" clothes which she has and hopefully I'll be able to fit into them well enough to not have to get any for later.

I hate being broke!

{{{SIGH}}}

We went out today to JoAnns and there is a Target there and Dh wanted to go and I wanted to go to try on clothes. That's my new thing, actually going and trying on clothes.

This time I spotted a "little" black dress and while it wasn't my "ideal" type of dress I thought "WTH?! Why not!" and OMGosh I LOVED it! I looked fabulous in it too!

I really loved it for the fact that it had a built in slim wear / shape wear. It really helped control all of my excess skin and I was surprised I looked so freakin' good in it. I still needed my control top shape wear for my "apron" but I still looked damn HOT in it!

I seriously do not usually go for skin tight clothes and I was seriously amazed by how comfortable and good I looked in this dress!

Only problem was the $30 price tag. {{{SIGH}}} We just can not afford that right now. Christmas and Thanksgiving comes first right now.

Not being able to get that dress depressed me, surprisingly. I didn't think I'd feel so depressed about not getting an article of clothing like I did today.

I only wish I had a camera so I could have taken a picture of myself in the dress. Maybe I can convince Dh to do this tomorrow, LOL

Any ways. I just had to blog about this. That is all!

Seems Like it's Been Forever

and yet it's only been a couple days.

I swear the scale hates me some days.

Like last night for instance. Towards the end of the night I weighed in at 211 even again. Great, surely by the AM I will be below 211, right?!

But right before bed I weighed myself again and the scale read 211.8 ARGH!! The AM scale reading was 211.4. {{sigh}} Granted it's only been a few short days but I feel like I am in a stall, even though I probably am not in one. I's just really love to se 210 point anything at this point. Maybe it's a numberalogical thing for me, but 210.8 just seems so much closer to 199.8 to me. And with Thanksgiving just 2 weeks away, and I wanting to get as close to 199.8 as possible before T-day, every little loss counts, right. HELL, every DAY counts too!

I KNOW constant weighing will be more stressful and inaccurate, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am a chronic scale whore. Several times a day I will weigh myself. I don't usually get stressed about it though, but when the scale fights back, like it did yesterday, it's frustrating. 211 at midnight and then 211.8 at 1:30am and not having ate anything but water, I seriously thought that by the AM I'd lose the water weight and be 210.8 in the AM at the least. Damn scale, fucking with my mind like this is not nice!

This week's goal is to get to . . . 210 if not 209, but at least 210 (even). I was hoping for a weight of 204-206 by Thanksgiving, if I can't have my 199.8, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

There are 51 days until New year's Day, and if I struggle this holiday season and don't lose the 12 pounds I need to by New Year's Day, then i will be really disappointed in myself. I can certainly do 12 pounds in 51 days, right?!

It took six months, but FINALLY!

OMG this simple little piece of mail really made my day!

I normally never like bills but this one seriously made my day!

There were some complications that arose from my insurance, with the lapse and the COBRA payments and the policy changes, etc etc etc, but the surgery was still scheduled and if they were going to let me have the surgery based on the insurance SAYING I was covered then I wasn't going to stop them. I needed my VSG!

Still I was fairly confident that my surgery would be covered without problems. Until after my surgery and I started reading about how BCBS doesn't guarantee payments/coverage for the VSG, so I started to get nervous. Even more so when about a month passed and I got the surgery bill of over $52,000, and a letter saying I was denied coverage. I was depressed thinking about the amount of debt this would cause our family, and it made me a little more determined to make sure I worked my new sleeve since I wasn't sure if I would really have to pay all of it or not, yet.

Still I ignored the first bill and just focused on what I could change and decided that it just hadn't gone through all of the doors it needed to, to be covered. Still I had those nagging doubts that they'd find one reason or another to deny me coverage, like me not having a "real" 6mo diet history, or that my PCP merely checked my throat to diagnose "sleep apnea". So I let it go and forgot about it, but I still knew it was there in the back of my mind.

So today when I got a bill stating that my insurance company finally paid for the surgery, I was . . .was. . . it's indescribable! Ecstatic, delighted, over-joyed, elated! I was just as excited about that bill as I was about getting my surgery! I was jumping for joy and squealing with delight! I am only being billed for $250 for the surgery! I can't pay it all right this moment but I can swallow $250 for this miracle surgery than I can swallow nearly $53,000!!!

To say the happy dance wouldn't cover how happy I am is an understatement!

115 down 61 to go!

I have lost 115 lbs! I have 61 more lbs to go to reach my goal weight of 150lbs!

I hate that I have that extra 1 pound to lose too, LOL. Why couldn't my highest weight have been a "rounder" number like 325 instead of 326, LOL. It would have made counting down a little easier. LOL Of course then I'd need to lose 1 more pound to have lost 115 lbs. Okay so maybe this isn't too bad after all. ;)

I just can't believe how clost I am to my goal weight now. I can't even believe I am only 12 lbs away (well technically 11.2 lbs) from being below 200lbs! I abolutely can NOT remember the last time I was below 200 lbs. I believe it MIGHT have been freshman year in high school if not middle school.

I am now in sizes 16/18. Some 16's fit me well, while other's are too tight. It all depends on the makers as sizes aren't regulated. That's annoying because one 16 could be just as big as an 18. My 2 pairs of 18's I have are starting to get a little big though.

I have been able to buy a Liz Claiborn shirt in a MEDIUM! It fits perfectly too. I'm also in the size range where I can float between normal sizes and plus sizes. I can actually shop at some regular stores/departments (at least for shirts) for the first time. This past weekend I was going between the 2 departments in Target trying on shirts, sweaters and coats. It's really opened up a lot more options to me. I have discovered that I love shopping for clothes now. :)

If You Noticed

If you notice my ticker, then you'll notice that I indeed get down to 213.8 this morning. :D

I am pleased! Only 14.8lbs to go to get below 200!

Back on Track

This morning I was pleasantly greeted with a scale number of 214.2lbs. The day before I was shocked with a scale reading on 214.6. Shocked only because the day before I didn't do very well. I did have some mini candy bars and a mini bag of chips and some runts. Some cravings got the better of me. I don't even know where they came from but my suspicions are that AF must be near. She seems out of whack though so I don't know when she'll show back up. Remember last month she was a week late!

Any ways, the day before I was pleasantly greeted with that scale reading of 214.6 where as the day before that it was reading 215.8, and again I caved in and ate some junk food again. So on Tuesday when the scale fairies blessed me with a weight loss of 1.2lbs I figured I shouldn't try sabotaging my gift loss with more cravings.

This evening before I head off to bed, I am still pleasantly happy with the scale reading of 214.6. I am only hoping that during the night I drop .8 lbs so I can finally be below 214! I'd love to see a 213.8. I'd really LOVE it!

I did really well today too. Great protein intake and complex carbs with my broccoli (yummy). Water, water, water!

Friday is shopping day and I can not wait because I need more Atkins Shakes, but we just can not afford more right now, and I only have one left. I might be able to get DH to agree to one more package of it, but I don't know yet.

Stress is creeping in though with all of the holiday preparations. So much to get, make, prepare, and clean in a seemingly small amount of time.

SIGH!

I just hope the stress doesn't kill my progress and make me hang onto the weight. I'm really, really, really hoping to be down to at least 204, as my goal for Thanksgiving Day. Of course my ULTIMATE goal would be to weight 199 on Thanksgiving Day. I'm still not sure that I can sqeak out a 15 pound loss in a short 22 days from now. I am even wary of squeaking out a 10lb loss in 22 days. I guess will power and time will only tell at this point. :)

Halloween Confessions

I've been no carbing it for so long that i think when I had carbs and sugar on Halloween my fat cells just blew up a little, LOL.

In the AM on Oct 31 I was 214.

I made a healthy chili for dinner, as tradition. This year thankfully the candy monster was no longer in me, but I did reserve a Milky Way (full sized) for my enjoyment.

The night before, however, I had a full sized 3 Musketeer bar, figuring it was okay since it was lowest in calories and fat. But come on, it's a candy holiday!

Now while I didn't over indulge in the candy, I may have gone overboard with the carbs.

DH made some YUMMY corn bread to go with the chili. I couldn't believe I ate 2½ squares of the stuff. Later I had a bowl of popcorn with butter and seasonings, no low-fat or low sodium stuff. I also had a couple pieces from a Runts pack. Those are one of my favorite fruity/sweet candies but I only eat them maybe once a year and that of course is on Halloween.

I was pretty much so stuffed I couldn't eat a whole lot. I only ate half of my Milky Way and then gave the rest to DH, LOL

But on Sunday morning I weighed 216.8. Yeah I know I did it to myself, and it was a one day indulgence so I didn't think the scale would go down or stay the same, LOL But I feel like the animation, like I just blew myself up.

I'm fine though and today I started fresh and stayed away from all of the carbs. I had my Atkins shake, plenty of tuna, and some chicken today. I don't think the scale will magically drop the nearly 3lbs I added in one day, but certainly, one can hope, right?! LOL

Seriously though, I am hoping to be at 205-206 by Thanksgiving. Ideally I would LOVE to be 199 by T-day, but I don't think that is realistic anymore. I'm gonna aim for 196 by Christmas instead or at least by New Years Day.

The holiday trifecta is the worst for a fatty or even former fatty. I know in the past usually by the week before Halloween I completely ignore the scale until January 1st rolls around.

This year will really be a challenge for me. I am hosting Thanksgiving, and then 2 weeks later I am hosting a Holiday party. I do a LOT of traditional baking and so the treats and temptations will be abundant.

However, since my surgery my cravings have nearly disappeared completely, or you could say my will power was increased dramatically. I find it so much easier to say "No" to chocolate, candy, pies, cakes, junk food in general. In the past and before surgery it was nearly impossible and I'd rationalize my way into eating the "no-no" food, one way or another.

I think because I did pay money to have this surgery and so many know about it, I don't want to fail! I don't want to fail my family and have them say "Look not even surgery worked for her!" nor do I want to find myself saying that nor do I want my husband saying that (fyi: he thinks I am getting "too" skinny for him already!). I want to prove to myself, my father, my family, my children, and anyone else that this surgery works and worked for me, and I worked my surgery/tool the best I damn well could!

I want to be at or near goal by my 1 year surgiversary, and I really should be there at this rate. My weight loss has slowed down to be around 10lbs a month now and I have 6 months to go and I have around 65lbs left to lose. So I could realistically be just that close to goal, unless I stall. Hell I'll consider myself a "success" when I can fit into a size 12 or 10 jeans! I'm only 2-3 sizes away from that right now! Hell, I'll be successful if I can weigh what my DH weighs! I'm only 40lbs away from that one! LOL

Any ways, that is my confession, and I don't feel guilty, just gluttonous. I felt so full and yucky from all of the bad food the night before that on Sunday I still felt yucky and kind of full still. Even NOW my tongue still feels nasty. blech.

Any ways, I am on the road to "recovery" from Halloween's junk fest. Even now, for the whole day, I've only "gained" .2 oz so in the AM I should be down more. This AM 216.8 now I am 217 so in the Morning I should be down hopefully a pound. (fingers crossed)

Sweet 16!

I can now officially fit into a size 16!!

How sweet is that! I never thought I'd be able to do that again in my life and yet it has happened!

I am 15lbs away from making it to my 199 goal and I have around 30 days left before Thanksgiving so I doubt I'll lose 1 pound every 2 days, but oh well. At least I'll be very close to 199 by T-day, although I am sure I'll gain like 5 lbs on T-day. But I doubt I'll be able to eat much, LOL.

Hubby is Staring to Lose

His wardrobe now. LOL

Tonight I wanted to get comfortable and put some PJ's on, but all of my sleepware is too big for me and those that do fit loosely are shorts and it's too cold for shorts right now.

So I picked up a pair of my DH's lounge pants and checked the tab and they said "L" I put them up to my body to see if they, perhaps, would fit and it seemed like they might. So I slipped them on, and to my surprise they fit perfectly! I even have room left over!

I've NEVER been able to fit into any of my husband's pants before. lounge pants or otherwise! I am slowly getting close to fitting into his jeans now though, and I know he is getting nervous because he knows that when that happens then hit wardrob will shrink as he watches my wardrobe grow, LOL

Well it'll be more like sharing clothes. I won't completely take over his clothes, but it'll be nice to turn to his side of the closet and drawers for some clothes if I need them.

I still can't believe I can actually FIT into a pair of his pants right now. ::giddy::

The answer is . . .

looks like it might be! Woke up to a weight of 219.4! Finally below that 220 mark. Took me long enough too. Here's to hoping that the trend continues and I reach 216 by next Friday.

And here's to hoping really hard that it continues without another stall so that I can get to 199 by T-day.

Is My Stall Over?

I am crossing my fingers in a desperate hope that it is.

AF, finally arrived a WEEK LATE!!! I have no idea why, but since veteran WLS people say this is normal, then I will go with the "it's normal" line. I know hormones are all out of whack still, but things like this frighten me since I really would like one more baby, but I am 34 and already have 7 children. Still after I miscarried in Aug '08 I still have my baby blanket fabric and notions for that final baby blanket. I look at it everytime I open the linen drawer and hope that one day I will have a viable baby to make it for. {{{SIGH}}}

Ok enough with all that.

So, on Sept 22nd I reached the 100lbs milestone. Then on Sept 26th I reached my lowest weight of 220.2lbs. Then . . . . .nothing.

My weight fluctuated between 221 and 224. I was frustrated and even a little depressed. I figured it was just water weight for PMS'ing, thinking AF would come soon. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I took several pregnancy tests, all negative, just to make sure. On Tuesday Oct 15, I finally gave up, thinking AF just wasn't going to come. I think that relaxed me enough, because the next day AF arrived. WHEW!!!

Now I am on the down turn again it seems. Tonight before I head off to bed, the scale read 220.6 lbs. I am fairly certain it won't go below 220 in the morning, just because I want it to, ROFLOL. That always seems to be the case. If I really, really, really want the scale to move down, just a few points. . .it won't. Just to spite me, it doesn't move.

I am just really excited to see 219 on the scale soon. I am also REALLY hoping to hit 216 by Friday. That is my goal right now.

Of course the next goal after that is 206 and then 199 or even 196 would be nice, by Thanksgiving. But seeing as I had a 3 week stall recently, I expect I'll have another stall and probably won't be below 200 by T-Day like I want. But we shall see. Perhaps I will hit a stride and drop 20lbs in 5½ weeks; but I will not hold my breath too hard on it.

So stay tuned to see if my stall is finally over or not. And for me, I deem a stall over if I can get 2-3lbs below. (For example I like to be at 217 or 218 instead of 220; or 207 or 208 instead of 210, does that make any sense?)

Stall Frustrations

I know I haven't updated in a while, and it's because I haven't had much to report on.

I have been stuck for nearly 3 weeks now. It's been 17 days and counting. It's absolutely frustrating to not see the scale move. I FEEL like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Carbs are low and water it good, exercise it normal.

The only difference is AF is LATE! And before you suggest that I may be pregnant . . . well several tests have said otherwise. They are all negative. That's yet another frustrating aspect of this because I know when and if AF arrives that afterwords my hormones will stabilize and I will lose weight again for about a week or two.

I don't know what more to do but wait and just keep hoping that things will start moving in the right direction again soon.

It's just that the closer my goal date gets the more frustrated and even depressed I get at the thought of possibly not reaching that goal. I just want to get there before all of my family sees me for the first time since my surgery. {{sigh}}

Just needed to whine a little.

Woes of Womanhood

Sometimes it can be really frsutrating to be a woman trying to lose weight. These freaky hormones play games with us and I am at that stage in the "cycle" where I am not losing anything, worth talking about.

I know it "passes" and all but gosh darn it; it's damn frustrating!

For a week and a half to 2½ weeks I "stall" and sometimes even gain some weight and while logically I understand it's part of the womanly cycle, the bigger more scared part of me panicks. I start thinking:

"Is this all I am going to lose?"
"Does this make me a failure?"
"Will I never make it to that next goal?"
"Will I never fit into those size 14's or 12's?"
"Am I really destined to be obese for the rest of my life, even with this tool?!"
"If I don't lose more weight than this, or get to a normal weight, my family will think the surgery was a waste!"

I think a SAFreak really goes straight to these thoughts and questions when a stall happens reguardless of why. It's tough this first year to ever imagine losing 100lbs or more. But then you do. But then things slow down drastically and then roller coaster of WLS woes sets in, and I just can't help it.

I know I am not eating over 1000 calories. Maybe one day my food choices weren't the best, but when I get back on plan or turn to the 5 day pouch test, NOTHING happens to my weight, and I really start to think "this must be it".

I still have a couple of days to go before I should be riding the crimson wave, but the mind games I go through, with myself, are amazing and even sometimes depressing. I knw what people say, about I will continue to lose weight, but of course it's always easier to say that when you've reached goal or have been post-op for over a year or more while being at goal. I'm nearly 6 months out and still freaking I won't get to goal by my 1 year surgiversary.

{{SIGH}}

I really wish I didn't have to have it so much harder than men. These freaky hormones are the bane of my weight loss existence, right now.

I was called "TINY"!!!

I KNOW I am nowhere near "tiny" since I am still over 200lbs! But I guess it is a big change from being 326.

Today at church, I was getting compliments left and right; and questions on how I was losing the weight. I am more than happy to tell these people because they are all very supportive and kind. Plus I really want to promote the sleeve as much as possible because it is a new option and IMHO the best option out there right now.

So the one lady with whom we've both battled the weight demons and has been asking me a lot about my surgery because her husband really is in "need" of it, and recently his doctor even suggested WLS for him as well. I know it's scary to even consider doing something this drastic, but I really have come to find that it is a great option, even though the recovery stage can be quite difficult.

So she walked up to me and said "You are getting tiny!" I laughed and said, "Hardly!" Her reply was that I just don't see it because it's more gradual with me. Well sure, but I'll consider myself "tiny" when I can fit into a 14 or a 16. Not an 18 or a 20. But that's just me. I am still 220lbs and that to me is nowhere near "tiny" in my book.

So I got to talking with them and especially him about this surgery and all of the benefits to it. I really do hope he considers it since he is in such poor health. They say he's "healthy" but you can not be "healthy" at 450lbs!! Yet he has no co-morbidities, he says, and he says his blood work is normal. Yet I know his BMI can NOT be normal and is probably way above that 52 mark.

I really do like that I inspire people, and I will admit I like the attention too. I have noticed a big difference in the way people treat me, even at this size and weight. I am starting to think I am in that "acceptable" weight class. not too fat to be ignored but not too thin that I am drooled over by other men, yk?!

It's just people will talk to me more. I noticed this today when I waited outside an auditorium for the new Michael Moore movie to show. I sat next to a woman, whom I later found out was just 3 years younger than me, but looked like 10 years younger than me, and she and a bunch of other people randomly struck up conversations with me. That is NOT usual for me.

Normal, for me, is reading my book, watching a movie on my Zune, or listening to music that I brought and outright being ignored. Instead I felt included and welcomed, which was odd to me. I saw a bunch of people I know show up too and we chit chatted. Again not normal for me.

When the day was done I felt so much more confident and even "sexy" a little. I know the church mirror made me look pretty good if I do say so myself.

I've lost 10 inches!

I know many read my posts on the boards so you've already read this, but I don't care. This is for others and for myself! LOL

I lost 10inches in my chest! I needed a new bra and I have gone froma size 48DD down to a 38D. My new bra lifted my boobs from my torso up to my chest where they belong!

Still my boobs without their holsters are flat and down to my belly button. SIGH Wight loss and 10 years of breastfeeding really does a number on your boobs!