Hanging by a Thread

Friday I had my PCP appointment. I told them my upcoming dates for Pre-Op testing and nutrition class. The nurse then was confused because my Pre-op was for April 8th and the PCP who attends the POTing is usually there but the PCP will be out of town on the 8th.

UGH! So after my appointment I think they notified Hurley of the discrepancies and then Hurley changed my POT dated for April 1st. This Wednesday.

Then I was stuck with a weekend so couldn't call anyone. I was going to call to see if I could move the POT for April 15th.

I wake up today to 5 calls from Hurley and a message asking me to call them ASAP. I already figured it was about insurance. So I called back and the conversation went in circles. They notified me my insurance is deactivated. Yes I know. Once I get a bill I pay COBRA and everything will be paid through insurance retroactively. I asked them if they would like to call insurance and they said no that it was my responsibility. Then J (the person I was talking to) said she needed to talk to her manager. She did and then came back with that they decided to just cancel my surgery. I was like WTF?!?! I am being punished because YOU moved my POT date up a week! If the POT was still set for April 8th then COBRA would have been paid by then and insurance would be active. Well they couldn't wait and if I went in for pre-op testing on April 1st without active insurance then I'd have to pay $250 up front to the hospital and if I don't get pre-op testing done then I can't get the surgery.

Then she decided to try and make me feel guilty for the pre-op diet kit, because THEY chose to and offered to pay for it considering our financial situation and the fact that we couldn't pay for it AND COBRA. She said "Well because we paid for the kit, we feel like we're losing money and that is why we want to cancel your surgery." I NEVER asked them to pay for the kit. They paid for it themselves. I was more than willing to pay for food out of pocket from a grocery store (food stamps) to follow they liquid diet.

I was in tears begging and pleading for them not to cancel. I have followed all the rules and done all the paperwork and just because a computer screen says deactivated on my insurance they want to scrap the whole thing. They didn't want to give me the opportunity to even fix or remedy the situation . . at first. I was so upset and crying I had to hang up on her.

I immediately called insurance and we (dh and I, since I could barely talk) talked with them on how to get this paid and active by April 1st or by the end of today so they don't cancel the surgery. We ended up having to physically drive down to the office and make a payment. They also need to draw up paperwork stating we are active and that the surgery will be covered. Then we have to hand deliver that tot he bariatric clinic so they won't cancel the surgery. It's an hour's drive down to Detroit from here, just one way. On the way my DH had to stop off at my sister's whom I had to call and ask to borrow the extra $135 we needed to be covered up through the surgery date.

Pay for all of this now though leaves us broke, which means I won't be able to see my mom on Sunday when she has a brief layover visit at the Detroit Airport. I haven't seen her in 2 years and she hasn't met my youngest son yet either. I still have to make that call to her. She has cancer and has severe knee problems since her surgery last year. She's been in constant pain for 8 months and is at the point of just wanting to have her whole leg removed from the knee down.

She's going down to see my brother graduate from the Marine academy this weekend. I was looking forward to seeing her one last time before my surgery.

I don't know. If anything else goes wrong today I don't think I am going to make it through it. I started my pre-liquid diet yesterday but I am so upset the one protein shake I had today has just made me sick to my stomach. All of this stress is NOT Helping and then for the clinic to threaten me with a cancellation is NOT helping in any way shape or form. Dh is at the point of saying "Ya know what, let's just not do this right now." but then he wants ME to stop the surgery so he doesn't look like the jerk.

He says he supports me and my decision, but it's difficult knowing he'd rather use the money for other things than this surgery.

I feel like I am being punished for following directions. I feel like I am being punished for the clinic moving the date up. I feel like I am being punished for the PCP doctor taking the original POT week off for the moving up the date of the POT. I'm doing what is asked of me, every single step of the way. I've made the calls and paid the money and yet I am still at risk for losing this surgery because of insurance bureaucracy and hoops. It's bad enough companies are given a 2 month grace period to screw me over out of money. COBRA would have cost 65% LESS had the companies got on track with Obama's Stimulus plan.

I just feel really screwed and not in a good way. I can't even write this without crying. Why does this have to be so difficult?!

Pre-Op Testing Moved

My pre-op testing date has been moved up to April 1st. Ugh That's next week! in 5 DAYS!!!!

I am so not ready for that. I think it is going to make this process seem longer now. I'll have 3 weeks with nothing to do but eat liquids. So not fun.

So now

April 1st - Pre-Op testing
April 2nd - Nutrition class
April 24th - Surgery

I have 22 days inbetween the nutrition class and surgery.

One month away.

3 weeks are going to go by fast. I'm starting to freak out about the impending surgery now. I saw some post-op pictures of the incisions and bruising and I took a big hard gulp at the upcoming pain I'll be in. I endure things I really don't like to endure and this will just be one more thing. Plus I know it will be completely worth it in the end. . . .right?!

I went to a support group on Tuesday and felt like the odd ball out since I am the only VSG'er there. Plus I knew more about the surgery than the facilitator did. She didn't even know Hurley was offering the VSG now. That just shows you how NEW this is up here. Makes it even more scary being one of the first here at Hurley getting the VSG.

I really hate the fact that I am a VSGer in a RNY world right now, and at the same time I like it. I like knowing I am helping to bring this new surgery to Mid-Michigan, I just don't like feeling so alone right now. All the advice I get right now is for RNYers. It's fine for them and all, but I believe our post-op experiences might be different. You know it'd be like a mom of a singleton going to a mom group for multiples. Sure they have babies but those with 2 will have completely different concerns and problems than the mom with only 1 baby. Does that make any sense?!

Even at church there are a couple of people who have had WLS and they both had RNY so again more RNY advice.

My other fear is me screwing this up somehow and not being able to lose the weight I need to. Although at this point I'll settle for getting down to 250! That's only like 60lbs away (UGH). I'm sure I'll lose more than that, but I still worry. And all of this worrying is NOT helping!!!

My stress is through the roof and because it is so is my eating. Starting Sunday I am starting a pre-liquid-liquid-diet. I want to liquify my diet before i have to in order to try and lose as much weight as possible before the surgery. Of course today I found out there is an April fool's party for the homeschoolers. . .on April fool's day of course. That will start my test off on whether or not I'll be able to handle this new lifestyle. Then IF and that is a HUGE "IF" my sister decides she actually wants to have dinner with us at some point this Easter season (I'll bet anyone $20 it won't happen though) thenthat will be my next big test. Otherwise everything will be done from home, hopefully fairly easily.

April 2nd I have my nutrition meeting and again I think it will be a lesson on post-op foods and I'll again be clumped in with the RNYers. I know post-op for the first 6 weeks will probably be the same but after that I think things will be different. I don't know really but I at least have my support boards of VSGers on hand to help out.

I hope those who have watched, have enjoyed my new Vlog. I know some have said I look comfortable in front of the camera, but in actuality I am terrified. I absolutely HATE watching myself on video like that too. blech! Still my 4yo son LOVES and I mean LOVES my intro. LOL, he asks to watch it all the time or to at least listen to the music. When I do play it he sings along with it. It's too funny! LOL

Ok so that's pretty much all I have right now. Just a bunch of pre surgical fears and worries. I hope these pass but I am sure I will be petrified as I walk into the hospital to go under the knife.

Surgery day is April 24th at 7am. Yikes!

I'm Planning on Vlogging

Update and Follow-Up

So today was my follow up appointment with the blood results and I was NOT happy about it.

My cholesterol was low and normal (yeah), and most everything else was good, but I was extremely annoyed with my body's ability to keep iron! I am STILL Anemic! It doesn't matter how much iron I take, it seems, I still come up short. I mean I knew I was "low" but this is rediculously LOW!!!

Iron 23 normal range is 50-170
Saturation was 6 and normal is 21-42 !!!
The binding capacity of my iron is excellent though at 377 and the normal range is 261-478

Ferritin level was a 4! A freakin' 4 and "normal" is 10-291 but 50 is "ideal".

I'm boarderline diabetic and am now on metaformin, which I figured was inevitable and wasn't that big of a deal to me as the iron levels.

So now I am on 4 meds, Metaformin, some 300mg iron, and Rx Vit D, and a BP med.

I also finally got confirmation today that my paperwork has been submitted for insurance approval, which I can probably guarantee a denial knowing how the system works. I'm already working on how I can possibly appeal the denial once that comes in. I guess in best case senario I'll be pleasantly surprised with an approval. If that happens that I would be extremely shocked and grateful!

So now I am back to waiting. {{SIGH}}

COBRA News

The COBRA payments really have me worried the most. Since the Stimulus plan changed COBRA I've been even more anxious on how much I'll have to pay and if my husband's former company will be up to date and ready when I need to make my first payments.

Last night I was surfing and looking things up and finally found some useful information as to when this COBRA plan is supposed to go into effect! COBRA Plan

It says:


COBRA premium subsidy

The Act includes COBRA subsidies for any employees (and their qualifying dependents) who lose their group health plan coverage because of an involuntary termination of employment between September 1, 2008 and December 31, 2009. These individuals will be allowed to pay only 35% of the COBRA premium, with the employer (your company) paying the remaining 65%, which you will then deduct from your federal payroll taxes or, if necessary, obtain in refunds from the government. Curiously, the law does not define what “involuntary termination” means, though we hope for clarification from the Department of Labor or the Internal Revenue Service. (Keep in mind that characterizing a termination as an involuntary termination may have an impact on eligibility for certain benefits, such as unemployment benefits and severance benefits.) The subsidy does not apply to the continuation of health flexible spending accounts under COBRA.


The subsidy applies to periods of COBRA coverage that begin after February 17, 2009. A period of coverage is the monthly (or shorter) time period for which premiums are charged. If the period of coverage under your plan is a calendar month, your company will have to start providing the subsidy beginning March 1.

Ok so it begiuns March 1st. Phew! I will probably call them at the end of the week to get clarified information since they should be ready by then since it's supposed to start up on March 1st.

I am even more excited now.

I will be calling Hurley soon to find out what's next. I have my next PCP appointment on Thursday. I am hating all of this waiting.

Psych Consultation

For me I am kind of impatient. I feel like this is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! Still when I talk to other post-op WLS friends they say I am moving fast with everything, which is really good I guess since I am on a time table here.So today was my Psych Evaluation with Dr. Williams. It was not at all what I expected. I expected I'd be talking a bit to the doctor about feelings and understanding of the WLS process and how emotional eating is effected etc etc etc.Nope! Instead i was basically talked to. He explained the above mostly in a DVD he made himself. I spent the first 10 minutes with him going over the histroy of WLS and why psych evals were needed. Then he explained the process of the "tests" I'd be taking after I watched his dvd. Asked if I had any questions and escorted me into another room for the DVD portion.

So I sat at a desk and watched a DVD about WLS. Well it talked mostly about the RNY side effects and how it can change a person psychologically and how friends and family may change, etc etc etc. Basically everything I already knew. I was bored for most of it and cleaned the desk I was at from some nasty sticky stuff that was stuck to it, all the while listening AND taking notes. I wasn't just in la la land. There was a computer there and got sick of the screen saver staying on forever when I accidentally bumped the mouse so I changed the settings on that. Come to think of it I probably could have played solitaire, LOL.

So after the 45 min video, it was on to the computerized test. I was repeatedly told that if I "failed" this test then I'd have to take another one. But it wouldn't be that I "failed" but that the first test just put up red flags. The results would be instant and reporting of the Eval would be complete and sent to Hurley Bariatric by 5pm that same night. So NO PRESSURE right?! LOL

Thankfully I "passed" and was given the green light. There was very LITTLE discussion on my history of emotional eating as I had to interrupt him to tell him a couple things, which he didn't seem TOO interested in. In fact he basically gave me a card of someone else if I needed to talk to someone. He suggested I keep a journal of my emotions to figure out what I was feeling why I was over eating, blah blah blah. I had already started a journal long before I met him and I have already figured out where things started and how it morphed. I tried discussing it with him, but again I was cut off and he didn't seem too interested, and referred me to the card for additional help.

Oh well. I guess at least I "passed" the Psych Eval. I'm not crazy, and I am on to the next step.

Surgical Consult

Today I had my consultation with Hurley Bariatrics. They told me it would be a 3 hour visit, but I didn't think I'd be waiting for 2 hours of it.

I submitted the paperwork they asked for, had my gawd aweful picture taken, met with a nurse and had my vitals taken (BP 157/80 and temp 98.9) and my weight was taken again. It was a bad weekend and I was up 2lbs to 320.

Then I was moved into a room where I waited some more for the surgeon, Dr. Kurt Kralovich, to come in and discuss surgical options.

I went into this assuming I'd get the RNY based on what I thought my insurance covered and based on the directory site from OH that said Hurley and Kralovich only did RNY and the Band. So when he asked me if I knew which surgery I wanted and I responded with "Well I know what I want, but I know I can't have it." I was shocked when after I told him I really wanted the VSG and he said that it was possible since they started doing them at Hurley and that my insurance has started to approve them too.

It's a great option for me since I do want more kids and I have a history of anemia. So I was thrilled when I heard this, but I am still skeptical about it actually going through. I'm one who will believe it when I see it. When I finally have my surgery date and am in the OR preping for the VSG. Then I'll probably believe it, LOL.

So one more appointment down! Yeah! Now all I need is the Psych Eval, which I am nervous for.

Initial Appointment

It's all rushing by so seemingly fast now and I am getting nervous a bit.

Maybe I am not fully ready for this, I don't know.

Because of my insurance issues the doctor and even Bariatric clinic are assisting in getting me approved and into surgery before the insurance runs out.

I had kind of hoped for it but really and truly didn't expect it to happen so fast, and now because it is moving so fast, I am unsure about it.

Still I am at this point in the road where if I don't do it now I may not have the option to do it later. DH might not get his job back and another job might not have as great of insurance. Plus do I really want or need to wait a year or more to see how much more weight I might gain?

Still, though. My insurance doesn't cover the cost of the surgery I want, which is the VSG. I can get the lap band or the RNY surgery or possibly a DS.

I originally had thought about doing the lap band because it wasn't permenant and weight loss is slow and the bands don't always work well. The VSG was the next step but it's a newer proceedure as it only manipulated the stomach and didn't reroute the intestines, but has a great success rate with weight loss. Next comes the RNY the most popular surgery available today. It's the one we all hear about with the pouch stomach and rerouting of intestines. The DS it a hybrid of the VSG and the RNY. They make a tube/sleeve of the stomach and reroute the intestines. This is the most dangerous and complicated surgery but was also one of the first surgeries until the more popular RNY came along.

So what to do and what to choose. That truly is a difficult decision. I believe the VSG would be a perfect match for me, but this bariatric center and my insurance doesn't support it. . .yet. So I feel like I have one of 2 options.

1) Get the lap band done, it's reversible, it's not permenant, and I can use it until the VSG is more widely used, especially if the lap-band doesn't work or something.

2) Just get the RNY, despite the fact that it's not completely reversible (it can be but it is intensive and not normally done), and rearranges the "plumbing" more than I possibly would like. But I'd lose weight "faster" and would get healthier faster and sooner too.

I like option 1 but do I really want to possibly subject myself to 2 surgeries? Still there are no guarantees with either surgery options either.

I hate that I feel slightly rushed, but at the same time I know it's something I want and need. I am just really, really, REALLY, horrible at making decisions like this. Hell I can barely order from a menu at times without it taking 3 minutes.

Still a lot of this may still be put on hold if I can't get the doctor I have been seeing for nearly 2 years to sign off on my diet history. She's holistic and might not completely approve of the surgery, but then the PCP I saw seemed rather anxious (and easily bought) to push this through and "help" me any way he could, including saying he worked with me for a year on the diet, and that's without me even asking him to do such a thing.

He was very nice a understanding but se also seemed like a sell out. UGH!

LOTS to do today already, in preparation.

Had my initial appointment. Called the Bariatric Clinic and set the next appointment up for Tuesday. Called for the Psych eval already too (Just waiting for them to call back to set the appointment up).

Essentially I could very easily be having surgery in a month's time or less. That is mind boggling to me. Even more so, in 6 months I could very well lose nearly 70lbs by then with the WLS too.

Possible Complication

WTF WTF WTF WTF!

I seriously feel like I will NEVER be able to get one shred of something I want let alone NEED!

We knew this was a possibility, but I was really holding out a lot of hope that it would not happen.

Dh was laid off from his job on Friday. We have 6 weeks of banked insurance, but after that nothing unless he is brought back to work. ((XX fingers he's brought back in 6 weeksXX)) I am not really holding my breath on it happening for a good 6 months or more though.

So where does this leave my WLS journey? Well up in the air pretty much.

I have a tiny glimmer of hope in that the doctor might try and push the surgery through before the insurance runs out, but I am certainly not holding my breath on that happening for me. I don't think I am that lucky to have that happen to me.

So I am unsure on how to approach this. Do I go to my first appointment next Thursday and gather the information and recommendations even though I might not be able to get started let alone done for over a year or more. Or do I just wait for a more opportune time to present itself?

Making this decision is extremely difficult to do. If you've ever thought about it, you may know what I mean. Possibly still wondering if it is right for you and contemplating all of the risks and complications you could possibly have let alone knowing you will forever have a restricted diet and how irreversible the whole thing is. It's life changing on more than one level.

I made this grueling decision after years of thinking, discussing, and reseaching, let alone a lot of soul searching. Now I am faced with having the rug pulled out from under me. This completely and utterly SUCKS!!!

Knowing you are an emotional eater is one thing but trying to combat it while dieting is ever harder. No I have not been doing well.
As it is I always do better when my husband isn't here, LOL. He's my enabler and he knows it. He's trying to get on the diet train with me, but I still catch him with junk food that he's snuck into the house. Now he'll be home everyday he isn't out looking for a job, enabling me and adding to the emotional eating impulses which I am very weak at staying away from right now. I am too vulnerable.

Gaaaaaaaaaaah!

Barely started and I've already hit a wall! How do I get past this and how do I keep going? How can I keep waiting and putting my life on hold?!

Sigh.

I did buy some multi vitamins and vitamin B complexes online that should be arriving here soon before this happened. I'm hoping it will help give me some of the energy I have lost and can not seem to find.

My BBT temping charts still don't look anywhere near normal so hopefully some more healthy vitamins will help. I need to get hormonally and physically inline/healthy.

I am just frustrated beyond belief. I am frustrated with finances, the economy, and more. It's true nothing is ever "easy", LOL.

The Easy Way Out

I think I was a good 80lbs lighter when I was very judgemental of some friends who had decided to "take the easy way out". At least that is what it seemed like to me at the time.

I mean I KNOW how I got to be this heavy. I ate the wrong things and too much of them as well and I did not move enough. In fact I still don't move "enough". I KNOW what I NEED to do to change the way I look, but just about everyone I know who had dieted or tried KNOW how difficult it is to change those really HORRIBLE habits.

Rationalizations are the biggest downfall to an over weight/obese dieter. "Just one fry won't hurt." "Just one cookie is all I'll eat."

But we all know that one turns into 3, 5, 12, OMG they are all gone. Then it's "Oh well I'll restart my diet again tomorrow." But those rationalizations keep coming back.

I recently read a comment about WLS/GBS. She was commenting on how many of her friends had started regaining the weight they lost with their WLS. She pretty much simplified the process.

Weight loss surgery is a very useful TOOL. It is a tool that motivates us to keep on track. It is even a training tool in some aspects for some types of WLS since some of your favorite foods can now make you literally sick to your stomach.

So WLS is a useful tool. People CAN and DO regain the weight back if it is not properly used.

For the first year after the surgery it is 80% WLS Tool and 20% You. The second year is about 50/50 tool and you. By the third year it is 20% the tool and 80% you.

WLS isn't an easy answer or solution for many. I am still researching and learning about all the different types of WLS that are available. I used to be under the impression that is was just 2 different kinds. A lap-band or gastric bypass, the kind you always hear about. In fact there are at least 7 different kinds.

Right now with all of the research I have done I am leaning towards a VSG which is where they shrink the stomach into a tube shape and no rerouting of the intestines is necessary. The downside to this would be insurance, since it still a fairly new proceedure it is sometimes still considered experimental. But there are fewer side effects such as "dumping" and there is less of a chance of malabsorbtion to happen which is a plus.

The other option would be the RnY Roux-en Y otherwise known as Gastric Bypass. it's the more well known operation that most everyone has.

I know insurance will pay for this one but the side effects are a little more heightened with dumping and other complications with malabsorbtion of nutrients and what not.

Still, even after the surgery is done, and you recover from the operation easy would be the farthest thing from the truth.

You have to be on a liquid diet for at least 2 weeks prior to the surgery. Then after the surgery the diet restrictions are even more. It'll be weeks before I can eat more normal foods and even then it will be a trial and error thing to find which foods won't cause dumping and which ones I'll be able to tolerate well.

I think knowing and understanding that this is in no way an "easy way out" and it is in fact a very valid and useful tool, has really helped me do a 180 in my thinking.

I reached that wall to where I KNOW I need more help than what I can give myself. WLS will be that helpful tool for me. And I can not wait.

The Beginning

I wanted to start a blog about my new adventure but didn't want to put it in my public blog that my family COULD postentially read. As it is I don't know if they read my blogs since they don't subscribe to mine, only each other's. Yep my sister's and mom are all subscribed to each other's blogs except for mine.

I am an outcast in the family for religious differences. Of course that would be a whole nother blog and set of issues which I don't need to bring up here.

I do know that my dad does read it from time to time, though.

Ok, enough chit chatting.

Today I started a long journey. I've been contemplating this for at least 2 years now. The first year I just flirted with the idea and notion of even doing this and then the past year I've become more and more serious with it.

I am talking about going through weight loss surgery. I've been learning about all types of WLS options. At first I was more drawn to the idea of the Lap Band as I was afraid of drastically changing my internal organs, but the more I read and learn I believe Gastric Bypass or RNY (Roux-en-Y) It's one of the most common WLS done in this country right now.

I've taken the first steps today by contacting my insurance to figure out what I need to do first and throughout. I have called the Bariatric Center near me and got more information and I've even made an appointment with the recommended PCP doctor to get the ball rolling.

My first appointment is on Thursday Feb. 5th at 10:30am.

The first disappointment I've had so far was finding out it could take up to a year or more before I am able to even get a surgery date. The insurance wants a 12mo diet history which I am hoping can be manipulated a bit so it looks like a 12mo diet history without actually having to wait a full year of food journalling. The upside is that I have been journalling on The Daily Plate for a while and have some past entries as well. So I don't know what can be done about speeding the process up at this point.

The other funny thing is that I am kind of hoping for some co-morbid problems, such as diabetes or the early onset of it, joint deterioration, sleep apnea, or whatever else I may need to qualify. Seriously though, you'd think being over 170_ overweight would be enough. How in the hell could a health company see a 315+lbs person and deny them a surgery because they are "too healthy"?!

I do know I am anemic, or at least have always had problems with it, so I know that could be a hinderance but I also know it is managable with proper diet and supplements.

I'm also looking forward to getting the treadmill soon so I can start walking at home. I can't always leave the house daily to just "walk" with homechooling 7 kids all day.

I also need a psych evaluation. Funny because I already know I am crazy for having 7 kids, crazy for homeschooling, crazy for "extended" breastfeeding, and crazy for even considering WLS as an option.

Any ways, I will still b working hard at my current mini goals, even though they seem nearly impossible to achieve sometimes. I get easily frustrated and sidetracked with 7 kids. But I now know it is the right direction I need to be heading in and the right decision for ME.

I want to be healthier for my kids, and for myself. This may just be the key that gets me to those points.

How Weight has Affected Me Through the Years. pt 2

I was laying in bed again and I again remembered another significant weight confrontation.

It was the end of summer just before High School started and I started to have intestinal problems. Severe enough that it landed me in the hospital for over a week. I couldn't keep any food down, had severe abdominal cramps and (TMI) bloody stools. I ended up on IV nutrition for over a week and after much testing my parents were told that it must just be all in my head.

Um yeah, I'm 15 and just deciding to NOT eat and to crap blood. Fuckers for thinking it was all in my head. After that I had a few more episodes of these same symptoms out of the hospital but since they said it was in my "head" I just never told anyone again about it. What was the use? They didn't believe me anyways!

So I missed the first week of High School so I felt like an even more new student than if I had shown up on the first day of school. It was fine and all. The IV nutrition and the several weeks of not being able to keep anything down, led me lose a LOT of weight quickly.

I remember going to a church function. It was at a close family friend's house because I think someone was either leaving on a Mission or returning. I can't remember which.

Either way one of the snooty ladies commented on how much weight I had lost and whatever I did I should keep it up. I was 15 and had just barely gotten out of the hospital. Yeah just what I want to do, live on an IV diet and crap blood every day and throw up every day. I'm sure it would have kept me thin but I doubt I would have been healthy.

Still my mom was standing near by and also reiterated what this woman had said. Basically telling me that since I lost the weight I should try to keep it off.

Now if you read the first part then you know how my mother started me on this path of self destruction through negative comments and feedback. From this I believe I started emotional eating. I already wasn't the "size" they wanted me to be but I also wasn't as smart as my younger sister who tested at a genius IQ level. My grades were never good enough. So basically I was just plain never good enough and I didn't stack up against my younger sister. So the emotional eating started. It was the only thing I could control at the time.

It's sad and difficult to know that I felt like I was just a thing that had to look a certain "weigh" and try and be as good as my one sister too. Not the individual person I actually was.

I think a lot of this stemmed from the fact that I wasn't even supposed to be born!

That's right, I wasn't supposed to be born! I was told repeatedly that my mother took a very long time to get over the guilt of ME!

See my mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 just before her 17th birthday. I've also been graced with where they got pregnant too. In the back of a car. ((groan)) My parents were basically "forced" to get married at a young age. My dad was 18 and my mom 17. My mom was Mormon at the time too but my dad was not. I was even told that my maternal grandmother tried pushing an abortion on my mother all the way up to the time my mom delivered and tried to push adoption too.

So right off the bat I wasn't fully "wanted". I was a mistake, and accident. The only reason my parents married.

Because of this my parents did NOT have a great marriage or relationship. Growing up us kids WISHED our parents would divorce. My mother was never fully happy and my dad would tell us how unhappy his life was with my mother. We could even see it in the way my mother would "accept" a kiss from my father. If he went to kiss her she'd just stick her chin out so he wouldn't kiss her on the lips, every single time. All with the look of disgust on her face.

But as a kid I learned a lot of this when I was between 10-12 years old, just at the start of when the "fat" comments from my mom started in 5th grade. So now I am not thin enough and I learned that I wasn't wanted and I was the reason my parents married.

Talk about damaging a kid! No fucking wonder I started to emotionally eat!

In some of my darkest hours and darkest depressions I begin to wonder how much better everyone elses lives would have been if they had just aborted me. My parents would not have gotten married and perhaps they would have had happier lives and I certainly wouldn't be around having weight problems!

My parents are divorced now. Of course they divorced after they only had one child left at home instead of 6. They stayed together got the kids sake. I just don't know how well that worked out. My one sister battled drugs and alcohol and cigarettes.

So what do I do now? Wallow in self pity or pick myself up and learn from these experiences and move on? Learning is one option but of course it's not as straight forward as we'd like to believe.

My Little Secret

I love pop/soda. I'm a big Sprite fan more than a Coke or Pepsi fan. Yet I have no difficulty in giving up my carbonated beverage at all. I've drank nothing but water for over several months before without a problem. I love water.


Still a few years ago I found this little wonder of a drink.

It tastes like Strawberry pop/soda but there's no sugar, calories, carbs, or even sodium. It's a sinfully delicious taste with no consequences.

Still I get conflicting information about sparkling waters. Atkins says you can have it, yet if you google the topic you get reports saying it can stall your weight loss or that water is better than sparkling water, etc etc etc. So it gets confusing.

Still it's nice to have a little sweetness added to my pallet without risking calories or carbs. It helps get me through those sweet craving too while on Atkins. I find the Atkins bars sometimes have more carbs than what they tell you. Grrr.

Any ways. I LOVE this little drink. It's so yummy and guilt free!

Picking myself back up. . .

Ok I really SUCKED this weekend. I know it and now you do too. Of course I could lie about it but I won't.

I emotionally ate too much this weekend and I need to look more deeply at myself to figure out why. Initially I simply say "I was depressed". Okay. But, SO FUCKING WHAT! Depression is not an excuse to over eat!

All weekend whenever I picked up something I knew I shouldn't have that little voice inside me kept saying "You really dont' want that!" and yet I ignored it every time.

Of course now I am regretting it even more and so is my scale.

Sunday I tried to get right back on and I did really well until after the kids went to bed and Joe pulled out the oatmeal cookies I love so much that the neighbor brought over the day before. I had 2 of those and then ate dark chocolate raspberry candies.

Uh! Why?! All day, egss for breakfast, water, water, water, salad for lunch and a salad for dinner passing up the awesome veggie lasagne and triple cheese bread for dinner instead, and I go and ruin my whole day with cookies and chocolate.

And if you ask me why, I have no good answer for you.

So Monday I will be back in full swing.

Breakfast:
4 eggs scrambled with some shredded cheese.
& water

Lunch:
Tuna sandwich on Oopsie bread
with my Zero Sparkling water

Dinner:
Baked Lemon Chicken breast
Broccoli & Cheese

Snack:
Atkins Shake

I also pledge to NOT EAT anything past 9pm at night.

I am anxious to start my walking regimn soon. I still have a month to go before I get the treadmill and I can not wait. I'll have to check out my cable's OnDemand services to see what exercises they offer. Plus I still Wii box which I love.

How Weight has Affected Me Through the Years. pt 1

I was laying in bed with my baby tonight thinking about this aspect of my life and remembered the very first time I was told I was "over weight".

I was 11 and in the 5th grade. My mother had told me I needed to lose weight. I remember the scales read 110lbs at the time. I was 5' 7" and had had my period since I was 9, so a good 2-3 years by this point.

Looking back I was no where NEAR over weight and I NEVER needed to lose weight in the slightest. Pictures of me are of this skinny girl I don't remember. But from that point on weight became an issue and my mother pushed it.

I believe she gave up on me as the years progressed but it's amazing how one comment can change your entire life.

I often wonder if weight and eating and food would all be different somehow if she hadn't put the weight pressure on me.

Well, tonight I finally realized why THEY thought I was over weight, according to the scales.

I looked up a children's weight chart and for a child of 11 the average weight for a girl is 87lbs. I am MORE than certain that this doesn't include menstruating children! In fact I shouldn't have been put against children's height and weight charts anymore. My physical and biological make up had changed and I should have been considered an "adult" on weight charts. I was very much normal for my height and weight at an adult level.

You see when a girl starts puberty she starts building up fat stores on her body. IT'S NORMAL. They tend to pudge a bit before they grow and hormones take over for that oh so lovely monthly visitor. Girls don't lose these fat deposits. Instead they have a mind of their own and the weight battle soon takes over. Suddenly that chocolate bar that meant nothing other than some tasty treat soon becomes that extra 5lbs on your butt.

I believe it is rational for an 11 year old who went through puberty 3 years earlier to have an extra 23 lbs on her!

I WAS NOT FAT!!!!!

But I am now, because of it.

I think everyone remembers the very first time someone tells them they are FAT and need to lose weight. Especially if you are young and it comes from your parents.

I believe this moment in time damaged me. I know from that moment on I worried about it. More so when my mother brought it up. I doubt talking to her about it now would help because she wouldn't remember and she'd say "Well I can't do anything about it now. It's in the past." True but I am living with the repercussions of it all.

If only I could go back in time and tell myself how beautiful I was and how skinny I was. Why did I have to be fed negative information about my body? By my mother!!!

That negative imagery and constant pestering to "lose weight" at the tender age of 11 was not healthy.

Later in life I saw a Discovery Health series on puberty. I learned about the build up of fat on girls going through puberty, and learned what to watch for on my own daughter. It was then that this 5th grade weight comment flashed back to me. That was over 5 years ago and now I really put 2 and 2 together.

I've been trying to figure out how I got to this chaotic weight. I know where it started. The problem is I know it will never end until the day I die now.

I learned from my past and I know not to tell my daughters that they are fat, ever! Unless their health is at serious risk. Thankfully Rachel is a health nut. Sariah is rounding the corner of puberty. She got her first pimple already and well the rest is private of course. Sariah is just growing up and fast. They aren't averages on a chart, since "normal" is only found on a piece of paper I hate pushing my kids to fit into a box. They are who they want to be.

Yeah I rambled a bit in this one, but it was therapeutic for me.

Weekend Off

I decided to take the weekend off.

I got my new scale, like I said before, and that kind of bummed me out, but I am more anxiously awaiting my new exercise equiptment. At least 3 weeks before I can get that thought. Still researching what I want to get.

So far I've found the treadmill I want. The Image Advanced 1400 Treadmill from Sears (or elsewhere if I can find it cheaper. I also want to get an Ab and Back Machine - mostly for the abs though. When I used a similar machine at Bally's once decades ago I LOVED the results. I hate sit ups and I haven't found a machine yet that could give me the same work out in my abs with the same results.

We also liked the idea of having a home gym and Sears surprised us with this little gem. The Weider Weight System, Pro 4950 for a reasonable price of $500 and only $600 not on sale! Hubby promised he'd quit complaining about his marriage belly and use it, since he liked it too, if we got it.

I guess we're getting a home gym this tax season, and BOY am I excited. We're going to be pimping out the basement home gym soon.

Good New, Bad News

First - Yeah I got my burger!

Second - Yeah I got my new scale!

Third - My new scale DID add 5lbs to my weight! (stupid scale) Because of this though I plan on using my old scale for the weigh in's for my one contest, because it's what I have been using the whole time and since it is a team effort I don't want to add 5 lbs to the team weight over a scale.

Fourth - The burger according to my old scale didn't effect my weight much! Only added ½ a pound!

Fifth - My new scale says 305.4

Oh well at least I have a new working scale and I'll have a consistant weight. Still when one is THIS close to a simple goal it makes it very tough to take those steps backward, no matter how small.

And, finally, Joe got me some new Atkins bars and they are so DELICIOUS! These will definately be the perfect chocolate craving fix for Tom. It's called a Caramel Double Chocolate Crunch Bar, and they are awesome. I know some debate on whether the Atkin bars are ok for Atkins or not. For me they are a life saver and they don't stall my weight loss. If I can have one of these and then not feel guilty, not gain weight, and feel like I am eating a "real" sinful snack then what's the harm?!

I also got my Thyroid meds today so hopefully with my thyroid getting fixed it will help my WL even more.

So many mixed emotions today.

I can't weight!

Ok I know the play on words, is kind of cheesey but it is a weight loss blog so it's fun.

So because I am on Atkins I can have hamburgers. Today I am waiting for DH to come home because he'll be bringing me a Rally's burger. YUMMY!

I'm having the Big Buford *This signature burger is two juicy, all-beef patties and two slices of American cheese on a toasted bun. It’s loaded with mayonnaise, ketchup, pickles, onions, crisp lettuce, tomatoes and mustard.

Well I'll remove the buns and replace them with my Oopsie bread and I won't have ketchup on mine either because it usually contains sugar, but everything else is good to go.

So I can not wait for Dh to get home so we can induldge a little bit. I deserve this a bit since I did just lose 21 pounds!

Oh and on the downside of this, he'll be bringin home my new scale, which hopefully won't show too uch damage done by the burger, LOL

Day 14 of the Year

Officially I am on day 10 of the Atkin's induction. Though I've had some temptations and I only took one bite of one temptation on Sunday I think I've done pretty damn good considering.

Today they scale told me I was down 21lbs from Jan 1st! That's nice and all but I don't completely trust my scale just yet.

You see my kids, like all kids, played with my scale last year to the point that they cracked part of the scale. I'm sure some might believe I was the one to crack it, but sorry to burst your bubble but I didn't. It was the kids.






So because of the crack if I don't step on it juuust right I don't get a good reading. And because of that I don't know HOW accurate my scale is anymore. So this week I am getting a new scale. I am just hoping it doesn't add 5 lbs to my progress I think I've had. That would be difficult to swallow, you know!

This is what the scale told me today. Originally I weighed in at 300 but this reading was after breakfast. Either "weigh" *wink* I lost 21 pounds! Well according to this scale. We'll see what the new scale says soon.